BAKLAVA SHED COALITION

SEXIST TREE VALUATION ROCKS NATION

2009-12-09T17:34:00.002Z

Some more Tiger Woods News for those who haven't had enough already. It made me laugh, anyway.

IN WHICH I FINALLY GET MY SPIDER WEB PICTURE

2009-10-11T13:40:00.006+01:00

It's the final day at West Dean, and the weather is dull and overcast. I was imagining this was the end for garden photography, but actually Jacqui sent us out once more (protesting "I just felt it spit on me") to tackle photography in low light.

I FINALLY FOUND OUT HOW TO USE APERTURE AND SHUTTER SPEED

Look at these two photos of the blue and yellow border (above). On the top one, the aperture is set to 5.6, so that the depth of focus is very shallow. This makes the michelmas daisies in the background out of focus, concentrating the eye on the foreground's pale yellow daisies instead.

The second photo shows the same view, but with the aperture set to 16. In this photo, the depth of focus is much deeper, and so more stuff is in focus at once. The problem now is that the photo looks (to me anyway) "messy", full of distracting detail. I prefer the first snap, which lets the eye settle on the foreground detail while leaving the lilac colour to provide a foil.

The point is, though, that for the first time in my life I have a choice about this.

AND I got my spiderweb photo. Result!

IN WHICH I TRY TO BE A BETTER PHOTOGRAPHER

2009-10-10T20:44:00.008+01:00

I am at West Dean this weekend, a delicious establishment at the foot of the South Downs. It must be good because James has been here as well.

Award-winning blogger James Alexander-Sinclair was here to deliver his plenary lecture on why garden designers can all go in the bin, apparently; he was last seen round the back of the fruit store being told off by some angry women.

Whereas I am here for a weekend-long course on how to create a garden blog. It may seem illogical to have an award-winning garden blogger on the premises and yet fail to exploit him for the garden blogging course, but there we go. So I'm the lesser-award-winning garden blogger helping the group to work out the foibles of Blogger's odd attitude towards uploading pictures etc.

But as well as a writing person, the group also get a photography person, in the form of Jacqui Hurst. As well as being a super-duper photographer, she is also a thoughtful teacher, and I feel like I've learned so much from her in the last 24 hours (never mind the actual paying students).

In one exercise she got us to do today, we had to try taking something we'd normally put centre of the photo - like these dahlias pictured above- and instead, put it off centre. And she has me thinking about backlighting, reflections and even planning to get up before breakfast for a spot of dewy post-dawn snapping.

I know the Sock is a fan of West Dean and its courses, but I would recommend them to everyone; there are people here this weekend learning to carve gargoyles, make lace, play Schumann and paint watercolours. The atmosphere is so peaceful, with rolling hills, baaing sheep and no mobile phone reception. And the food is excessively delicious and I fully expect to be rolling home at least a few pounds heavier. You can download the whole course brochure here, and if you've ever had the feeling that there isn't enough creativity in your life any more, I recommend you do it right now.

One watercolourist enjoying the autumn sunshine.

PLEASURES OF AUTUMN

2009-10-09T14:14:00.010+01:00

Slightly wonky camera taking artily-not-quite-right photo of one of my favourite autumn pleasures, the sunlit spider web.

Over at Veg Plotting Madame Veg says I had a bit of a go at her last year when she moaned about autumn.

(I don't actually remember doing this, though I'm sure it's true.)

I do really like most things about autumn, except the days becoming so much shorter. But I love the smell of wet leaves, the sense of things winding down; even squishing the funny little fruits that fall off crab apple trees is fun! (Though they make an odd metallic bonk when they fall off at night onto cars, which still wakes me up.)

But one of my favourite things about autumn is getting on with planning for spring, so that I feel like it's not too far away. This year I am doing posh white bulbs in terracotta pots, and then a separate downmarket garish scheme in 99p B&Q buckets. You need to make drainage holes with a bradawl, not a hammer and a nail, if that's a helpful tip. Then I layered up probably far too many bulbs.

I do love autumn, but I also really identify and sympathise with all the people saying they'd rather not bother, if at all possible.

I think planting bulbs is the absolute number 1 top way to look forward, understanding that it's all gonna come back round rapidly. And don't forget the indoor bulbs too! Paperwhites need to be started any day now to be flowering at Christmas, which is the best possible way of all to feel that spring is really not far behind. Check the wise words of Nigel Colborn, whose excellent instructions and tasteful planting suggestions I followed last year.

98p! 98p!!!

JUDGING BEGINS IN EMSWORTH

2009-09-11T09:59:00.002+01:00

This is just a quick post to say thank you to everyone who has participated in the Emsworth Online Village Show, and that includes everyone who has visited, about fifteen hundred visits so far in the three weeks it's been up. But most of all I want to thank the competitors, without whom it would be a load of pants.

Secondly, about a month ago I said I would give away a copy of Dan Hinckley's new book - I finally got round to putting the names in a hat and the winner is New Shoot, not because of her sore tooth but because of the laws of chance. So congratulations and I hope she likes the book, I'm absolutely sure she will.

Anyway it looks as if we might have one of those gorgeous, unforgettable September gardening weekends to get on with some digging and cutting back and tidying, and I wish everyone a really nice weekend!

IT'S AROUND ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR I LIKE TO GET MYSELF A CHRISTMAS COOKBOOK

2009-09-09T19:32:00.007+01:00

People with a long-term affectionate relationship with this blog will know that this time last year I was piffling on about my genuine excitement that both Sarah Raven (MD) and Nigella Lawson (lush) had an Xmas themed cookbook out.

This year it goes one better!!!

The veritable Queen of Christmas Delia Smith relaunches the big green christmas cookbook with A HUNDRED new recipes.

What could these POSSIBLY be I ask you?

How can she POSSIBLY make Christmas any BETTER??

On a completely different note, I have worked out a brilliant way of pruning my wisteria using the kitchen broom. I'm telling you, it's incredible, and I will be revealing the trade secret within the next few days, so I expect at least 1000 extra hits.

IN WHICH BLOTANICAL WORLD DOMINATION WILL BE MINE

2009-09-03T18:03:00.003+01:00

I am sure that most people reading here will already be familiar with the strange and whimsical world of Stuart (is he a real person? Is he slightly too young and handsome to be real? Is he one of the Ramsay Street Robinsons?) and his amazing Blotanical, a Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang of a website which allows all us garden bloggers to find each other.

Every year Blotanical has awards, which so far I have only ever managed to vote in (and given the Chitty-ChittyBang-Bangness, I feel even this counts as an achievement).

This year nominations for the 2009 awards are now open.

And for once I plan to actually enter myself. (I mean, I hadn't actually noticed that I was registered for a blog I haven't written for about a year, and that you couldn't have voted for Baklava even if you had been crazy enough to want to.)

So I did my nominations.

But after you have nominated, your work is not done. Oh no, for nothing so simple could satisfy Stuart from Australia's handsome, devilishly labyrinthine mind.

You have to wait three weeks, then it gets down to the top five, and then we all have to vote again!

Jesus, it's like France.

Anyway, all I can say is Stuart, we love you for all you do; Fellow Blotanists, let's give Ryan a run for his money; and fellow gardeners, don't worry if you would rather just browse through the bulb catalogue. I'm sure it's a lot more relaxing.

BUSCOT PARK, 27th AUGUST 2009

2009-08-29T14:45:00.007+01:00

So I'm sure all of you are familiar with the need occasionally to go and get a member of your family and take them on a nice outing. My grandma has been suffering a bit lately from feeling worried about everything (a trait she helpfully passed onto me in the DNA, I don't think she did it on purpose though). So I decided what we needed was a nice little jaunt in the countryside.

We picked a National Trust property, Buscot Park, about an hour from where she lives, partly because when I was seven she made me a life member for Christmas and we still both regard it as a point of principle to carry on trying to get ultimate value for money from this £75 purchase. Another £15.25 saved! Kerching!

Buscot is really gorgeous and starts with a walled garden that was rich in lovely Asters and other autumnal stuff, great big rosehips and lots of wasps (see VP for details). But the real treat is to come.

The house is a little jewel on the hilltop with what I think must be the best collection of art I've ever seen in a private house - Rubens, Rembrandt, Gainsborough, Reynolds; however my grandma and I both fell in particular love with the central room of the house, which is decorated with big paintings of the "Legend of Briar Rose" by Burne Jones. Somehow, the strange, slightly weird atmosphere of the Pre-Raphaelites totally suited this house, isolated in the countryside, and the storyline of Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty) with its idea of sleeping, surrounded by high hedges, also went perfectly with the setting. Really amazing.

But after that you still aren't finished: now, you walk down to the lake (There's little lake and big lake, just to be clear) through a Harold Peto water garden which is just stunning. It's a tribute to Italian water gardens, and for a moment we felt far away from England.

Or would have done if there weren't lots of little kids in football tops trying to jump over the water channel. Which we both actually found quite entertaining (especially my grandma, but then she does go to sunday worship at a place I call "The church of tiny tearaways" and she likes that too, which would drive me mad).

Anyway I really recommend Buscot, it's one of those places you don't hear about much but it's got a really powerful magic. And very nice chocolate cake.

Ps the bit of this garden I want to take home?

Yes, the swimming pool, in a cool, enclosed courtyard. Ahhhhhhhhhh

I NEEEEEEEEEDDDDD THIS

2009-08-28T18:19:00.001+01:00

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/6094657/Instant-garden-rescue-plan.html

IN WHICH I HAVE A TOTALLY BRILLIANT TIME AT LULLINGSTONE CASTLE AND WANT YOU TO GO THERE TOO

2009-08-25T14:38:00.005+01:00

Okay, firstly, Lullingstone Castle isn't very far away. Yes, we thought it was, because it's in Kent, but actually it's about seven minutes from junction 3 of the M25. That means that if you live north of London you can whizz round there, and from my house, in the very westermost bit of what is still technically the capital, (junction 2 of the M4, right by the big snazzy new SmithKline building) it took me just a princely one hour and five minutes to get all the way there.

Secondly and much more importantly, it's REALLY COOL. I think that because I'd watched the Tv programme, and seen what a struggle it all was, that I hadn't imagined how magical it might be to actually be there. The corn had all been harvested, and the fields were that lovely bleached colour with the rolled haystacks. The house is unbelievably beautiful, old Tudor gatehouse n all.

But much more importantly, the garden is really really great. The last time I saw it was on the TV show, so just being laid out into island beds with each one representing a continent. Now it is lush with the year's growth, with the beautiful seductive greys of the eucalyptus growing in the Australian corner, with the tall grasses and freakishly massive daisies and dahlias Tom Hart Dyke manages to grow.

And there's also tons of colour, with beautiful dahlia borders interspersed with runner beans, sweetcorn, sunflowers and tomatoes. Really, really fantastic.

The most stunning thing is that actually all this work gets done by Tom and volunteers. There's ONE member of full-time staff, and it's HIM!

When you look around, and you see how few weeds and gaps there are, this seems like a stunning revelation. You realise his statement that he 'doesn't get out much' probably underscores one of the most serious commitments to a garden of anyone I've ever met.

And it's just in this SUCH pretty setting, with old brick walls, a Moon gate, an old red brick chapel, honestly, it's sooooooo pretty.

My orders to you are GET YOURSELF THERE. It's the perfect September outing. Especially as they are doing two events that I know will be of interest to ye bloggers. 1) A specialist plant fair, all day on Sunday 6th September - £6 but that gives entry to the fair, the garden AND a tour of the castle.

BUT ALSO

2) on Saturday the 10th October the totally ameeeeeeezing Mike Nelhams is coming from Tresco to do an afternoon event in partnership with Tom - 2-6.30pm. He has been the head gardener there for many years. You get a tour of the garden, a slap-up tea in the big house, and then an illustrated talk from Mike N. I think this sounds like the kind of treat grannies, aunties and basically people like me would really like. So I say think about booking it - I've never heard Mike N speak but my grandma basically swears by him and will book any gardening holiday he's escorting she says he's that good.

Anyway now I have been there I am basically going to go on about it until you go too. Bear in mind my penchant for the spikey and you will imagine the experience correctly. But I will say this - I thought it might be more like Futuregardens - you could see the idea was interesting, but it wasn't quite 'there' yet. Lullingstone really is there (even though Tom is modest). And the place itself is really magical, with a stupendous Roman Villa (English Heritage and a separate charge) for those who like to double up on culture. And a river with CHILDREN SWIMMING IN IT!!! I THOUGHT THAT WAS AGAINST THE LAW THESE DAYS.....

Honestly please go and have a really uncommercial, enthusiastic amateur brilliant magical experience. It's the exact opposite of going to Sissinghurst but it DOES have good plants and tudor gatehouse, and it's MUCH closer to Ealing.

I rest my case.

IN WHICH I TRY TO ANSWER REALLY TRICKY QUESTIONS

2009-08-23T21:00:00.003+01:00

So, very kindly, or maybe not so kindly, both VP and Ryan have tagged me in their writing meme....

Which words do you use too much in your writing?

Oh god, no idea, probably 'oh god'.

Which words do you consider overused in stuff you read?

I literally cannot stand people using the word literally. Unless they actually mean literally. No actually I think I am pretty tolerant. I am the total opposite of Lynne Truss. I have just realise the word I overuse is 'actually'.

What’s your favourite piece of writing by you?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha I so do not sit around thinking about what is my favourite piece of writing by myself. Honestly what kind of wanger would you have to be to do that?? [wanders off chuckling to make tea]

What blog post do you wish you’d written?

All of Arabella Sock.

Regrets, do you have a few? Is there anything you wish you hadn’t written?

Like what? Like what? What are you saying?

How has your writing made a difference?

Another completely absurd and pompous question which reveals this quiz was definitely made up by an American. :-)

Name three favourite words

cannot take seriously

…And three words you’re not so keen on

Leonardo di Caprio

Do you have a writing mentor, role model or inspiration?

I think there are so many amazing garden writers that we don't get to read enough of. I bought a second hand copy of Anna Pavord's columns last year - she is just so funny, so knowledgeable. Ursula Buchan I love, whatever Matthew 'evil thoughts' Appleby thinks. Elspeth Thompson I revere. I love Sarah Raven for her bossiness, I love Beverley Nichols for his naughtiness, I love Vita Sackville-West for being so Vita-ish. You could spend your life reading about nothing but gardening and a) not run out of material and b) always be reading utterly stylish stuff.

What’s your writing ambition?

I just like to be able to describe things for people who aren't there. I love that challenge. Describing something is a really weird process on a neurological level. Think about this - your brain is finding a way of putting an image, a physical, possibly smellable, touchable, evocative image, into someone else's brain. It does this merely by words, it doesn't show the other person pictures, it doesn't let them smell the smell. Just words. If you think about it long enough, you begin to realise that writing is a form of weird mind control. You can make other people angry, sad, turned on... See! It's so weird! You can make water come out their eyes! (if you are really good at it)

I'm telling you, it's weird.

VP and Ryan I love both your blogs, don't go changing. xxx

ARGHGRUHGRHGRHUH

2009-08-17T15:23:00.007+01:00

I've just this minute noticed that my eucomis picture is actually out of focus. SORRY. I don't know what is wrong with me lately, it must be the heatwave [in France].

Anyway I am going to go away and sort another one out. But in the meantime, I have noticed that I hardly ever blog about my own garden, even though I really do love it. And I ALWAYS miss garden bloggers bloom day. It's partly because actually I do not know the name of a freakin' thing growing in my garden, apart from the Euphorbias which of course I am on first name Latin terms with, and I think that probably GBBD does need to be labelled. But everything else is just there cos it's pretty, I lose the labels five minutes after buying the plants and I can never remember what anything is, but also, don't really care.

So in some sort of token but completely unlabelled effort, here is a sort of late garden blogger's bloom day thing. Top left is a wildish canna indica I bought from a garden sale somewhere in Croydon about ten years ago at least, which has flourished happily in my front garden ever since, and which has small orange flowers and large leaves, sort of the way I like it. It is now in five big clumps that all survived the snow, so, rock on. Next round clockwise is Emma T favourite Euphorbia mellifera that I grew from seed. Next a eucomis, but I don't know which one because I lost the despatch note... or should I say more truthfully it was consumed by molluscs.

Next round is Phygelius, cape fuchsia, which came from a garden sale with my mum last summer and which has been rocking the whole summer long and is still going, I heartily recommend. Then a huge blue moptop hydrangea I got from Cottesbrooke, where it was white, but I was told it was going to go blue so that's okay. (I am absolutely in LOVE with it so don't say a word!)

Then another wildish, good fuchsia which lives through every kind of bad weather outside in my garden and comes back each spring after a harsh prune. GOTTA love those fuchsias, for late summer performance shut up your weedy Piet Oudolf pie hole about any of those rubbish lazy daisies and get me some fuchsias.

Then bottom centre, a startling scarlet geranium I also got from Cottesbrooke and have been really enjoying. I think it came from Derry Watkins but predictably the name tag has already gone to Run with the Wolves.

Next, Euphorbia cornigera, a pretty and good-performing euphorbia with lovely lime green bracts right now, to give you spring zing in late August, which is energising in a flower bed.

Then last but one, Lobelias tupa, of which I have a huge stand but which I can't get a good photo of, here's one bloom leaning out into the road. Another one new to my garden this year, but a total star performer I wouldn't be without, and i SUSPECT one of the VERY FEW plants in my garden that you might also find in James A-S's.....

Last but not least, in the middle, some B&Q Indian Pinks bedding I bought in May which has been growing strong ever since. NEVER, never knock the carnation family. The lot of them are dudes.

Anyway there you go, that's what was looking nice this weekend, I'm hoping for some more canna flowers before the end of the summer and two ginger lilies too; I've also got some agapanthus but the photo was a bit lame, and possibly a datura to flower yet too.

EUCOMIS

2009-08-16T11:40:00.000+01:00

I know these are a favourite of Martyn Cox who seems to have been away on holiday for weeks at the moment. I'm just very much enjoying that they got over the bad winter, and that they sent up more flowers than last year.....

EMSWORTH ONLINE VILLAGE SHOW NOW OPEN FOR ENTRIES

2009-08-14T11:43:00.004+01:00

Here is a fine photo of me presenting the Garden Monkey with last year's overall achievement cup. I hope very much it inspires all of you to take part in this year's Emsworth Online Village Show, which is now open at http://emsworthvillage2009.blogspot.com/.

TOTALLY HOMEMADE GARDENERS WORLD, AUGUST 7TH 2009

2009-08-07T17:07:00.001+01:00

Ah, my friends, it's been a while. The fickle ways of the world. The need to earn an actual crust. The lure of the shops.

Now firstly I would like to exhort anyone I haven't already to get to the Chilli Festival at West Dean. Here's me going on about it, I am going tomorrow am. Sarah the head gardener is SOOOO amazing and gave me all these chillis after our photo session to take home and cook.

Even if you can't make it, check out their coming events (for example the up and coming tomato show), or just plan to go on a quiet afternoon to admire the incredible walled gardens, gorgeous exhibition of stone carving, or just have a nice cream tea. In fact don't even bother going in the garden, just have the scones.

Anyway in the meantime, I wish you a good weekend, I wish you no blight (eek)

and I save the best till last, waiting to reveal to you that even if you cannot make it to ANY of these wonderful real life shows....

Emsworth Online Village Show 2009 is coming.

IN WHICH I TRY TO WORK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FREAKING WEATHER

2009-08-07T17:05:00.000+01:00

Anyone remember this?

Or this?

Yes my friends, it's summer. Just in case you had forgotten.

In fact here are the sum total of my photos of a recent garden visit I organised to the Thames Barrier Park at Woolwich, as recommended recently by this blog's sacred deity, Joe Swift.

We met initially at Canary Wharf. Now admittedly, the skies already looked somewhat dark and threatening.

But we made it to the park okay, walked to the dramatic view of the river, and began taking a few snaps. At which point we felt a few drops of rain. And then a few more.

And then the skies caved in. I have honestly never got caught in rain quite that wet. The lady taking the photo, Izaura, is from Brazil, and even she said she'd never seen rain like it. And she is from the rain forest.

Here are some youths sheltering under the bandstand. We weren't so lucky. We made a run for the tube station which I can fairly unexaggeratedly compare to being a contestant on Tizwas we got so much water chucked on us.

At which point, the sun came back out. We, however, in our linen/summery outfits, were soaked. Even on the inside of my raincoat. And we had to wait 9 soggy minutes for the next DLR. Sigh.

For those who can't remember what 'summer' is, here's what the garden is meant to look like. From, needless to say, last summer:

THE TREE MAN OF KEW

2009-08-07T17:03:00.000+01:00

Anyone who watched "A Year At Kew" got to know the fairly irascible Yorkshire head of arboretum Tony Kirkham. And they all liked him so much that then he got his own TV show, "Trees that Made Britain". They liked his bluffness, his sense of enthusiasm, the way he tells people off for silly ideas, and his general matter-of-fact way of going about things.

Anyway Tony Kirkham may be famous for being on TV, but amongst the horticultural community he's highly respected for trying new things, like mycorrhizal fungi to help ailing trees, and for going off (especially to Taiwan) to try to collect some of that island's rarest trees to bring back and grow in Kew.

So recently the RHS honored him with a medal, which I completely missed as I was away doing bla bla bla during Hampton Court week, but honestly, listen, this is the best piece from the website "This is Lancashire" that appeared today about Kirkham and his career.

COMPETITION TIME

2009-08-07T17:00:00.000+01:00

Okay guys, I am about to do some serious evangelizing to those of you who do not already worship at the throne of Dan Hinkley.

Dan is the kind of person who makes Ray Lancaster start going all burbly and delighted. That's one way you know he is the real thing.

He runs a really well-loved American nursery at Heronswood in Washington State, but also is a plant collector of so many years standing, and one way to experience his amazing knowledge and adventures is to read 'The Explorer's Garden". Rare plants that will make your mouth water and your little hand start itching its way across the desk towards the computer mouse....

However until recently you had to get it in hardback.

It's now out in paperback! And I have a copy to give away!

At the same time, his follow-up book is out in hardback - this one does "Shrubs and Vines", so stuff like rare witch hazels and rhododendrons. Maybe a bit less practical, but just as, mmmm, mouth-watering.

So listen if you would like to WIN a FREE copy of the paperback of the Explorer's Garden, which I will post within reason to wherever you live, please leave a comment below. I really recommend the book, he is one of those people who REALLY knows what they are talking about.... even if this recommendation comes from someone who knows that, most of the time, they don't.

IN WHICH I TRY TO PRODUCE A BLOG POST REALLY WORTHY OF THE NAME, WITH MIXED RESULTS

2009-07-25T21:05:00.004+01:00

So i know that at least one of you has remarked the general paucity of posting over here in the last few weeks. And my last two posts have begun "So I just nicked this off x".

I was determined to do better. I said to myself, I wanna make a post to make my readers proud.To make Vp weep tears of pride. To make Arabella Sock snicker.

Off I went at 9am this morning, to capture the Titan arum for you all, in glorious technicolour. Before anyone else had got there. Including even the Daily Telegraph, who was hot on my heels with his big ole wide angle lens.

So I did my bit, and came proudly home ready to upload Baklava Shed's very first Moving Images.

Only then did I realise my filming was irredeemably, irrevocably sideways.

Sorry! Try better next time! In the meantime, crick your necks, and be glad you can't smell it (Ryan!). I absolutely love the way the other lady sniggers after I say "have a little sniff" at the end.....

*ps by 'the smell of a fishbox', I mean a scent I remember from my childhood, when my best friend's dad was a fisherman. His car and their hay loft always reeked of this terrible ammoniac smell of beyond decay.

THINNEST VEG GARDEN YET

2009-07-24T14:35:00.002+01:00

Just pinched this from Richard the Guerilla Gardener's wonderfully informative (and constant, unlike some of us) Twitter feed.

Anyone not yet on Twitter, come on, it's fun! even if you just listen in and never make posts yourself. You get little nuggets like this video, too....

OH WHAT A BIG ONE

2009-07-17T18:20:00.002+01:00

Just nicked this off Kew's facebook page. We anticipate full frontal odoriforous assault in the next few days, stay tuned

THE SECRET GARDENS OF CAMBRIDGE

2009-07-10T21:10:00.003+01:00

Dahlias, eh?

Last night I was sitting out in the gardens here in Cambridge at dusk and I saw this great big shape scuttle across the garden. At first I thought it was a rat, and then I suddenly realised its hips were too big. It was a hedgehog, racing along, undulating over the lawns. Sniffing.

Anyway that made me laugh.

The funny thing about Cambridge gardens is that they are all behind great big tall hedges and fierce iron gates and wooden structures that stop you looking in. I saw one gentleman being politely directed away from King's Fellows Garden yesterday and then I realised it was Ian McEwan. What about that? Even he isn't allowed in.

So you spend your whole time peeping over things and round things to try and get a view. And even then it's just a tantalising one, with no sense of the whole perspective, just leaving you with a rather disappointed feeling and a bit of a cricked neck. To be honest, a bit like Chelsea show gardens.

Anyway this is the kind of thing you are faced with: immaculate herbaceous borders behind tempting walls with delicious skyline scenery, but no way in.

(this is a tiny glimpse of the much-loved Clare College Scholars' garden, thought to be one of the best)

Anyway it was pissing me off, so instead of showing you lots of awkward views of halves of gardens, I posted the dahlias, from John Brookes' Denmans. Which don't hide their love away at all. Which is how I like it.

DARWIN'S CATS

2009-07-08T13:13:00.004+01:00

Some of you will know that I spent last winter working on a book about Darwin's relationship with his dogs, which was warm, passionate, and ended up with the beloved pets making an appearance in some of his most important books.

I am at a Darwin conference this week (which means I get to loiter in lobbies next to Richard Dawkins and weirdly, Ian McEwan) thinking a lot about animals, humans, parenthood, love, affection, loyalty and evolution. In which context I found out that Arabella Sock had lost one of her two darling cats, Luka.

I am really sad for her. In a sort of tribute mood, I found this section from my book, which is what I would like to be like myself, really. Darwin wasn't especially a cat person, which is what makes it even sweeter.

"Whilst dogs were always Darwin’s favourites, Henrietta Darwin wrote of her father’s tolerance towards her own pets,

'He cared for all our pursuits and interests, and lived our lives with us in a way that very few fathers do… He had no special taste for cats, but yet he knew and remembered the individualities of my many cats, and would talk about the habits and characters of the more remarkable ones years after they had died.'

Darwin saw each animal as having its own separate being, its own 'individuality'. His celebration of Henrietta’s remarkable cats suggests, just delicately, that if we had asked Darwin if cats had souls, he might have answered, as much as any other creature does."

BRITISH MUSEUM PART 2

2009-06-08T13:33:00.008+01:00

So as a couple of you may remember I was off to do a talk at the British Museum about the India landscape installed for the summer by Kew, to tie in with exhibitions at the Museum about Indian art.

I was very nervous, and deservedly so because more than 30 people came. I'm in the black, with the weird microphone necklace hanging around my neck (felt a bit like a medieval instrument of torture. A bit.) We looked at the planting, which varies from Banyan to Meconopsis, and talked about great botanists associated with India, including my favourite, Wallich (of many different Wallichiana/ Wallichii fame).

I didn't feel like it went all that well, I have to admit. Though people were complimentary afterwards. On the other hand, it was very satisfying to have actually done it. And it was the first time I'd done something like that - in such a small space. At Kew, we have acres to impress people with. My immediate thought was "Oh I wish I could do it again another day, I think I could actually make it good now."

Well I don't have a chance to do the same garden tour again, but on Friday I am going back to the British Museum to give the lunchtime lecture. It's about Joseph Hooker and Charles Darwin and Indian plants, and if anyone wants to come along I would be so delighted to see you.

You could make sure to ask me some nice easy questions, too. Eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkk.

FUTUREGARDENS

2009-06-06T12:33:00.016+01:00

Well I do apologise to those of you I offended in my previous post by my Sapphically lovesick ramblings about Dr Nikki and my use of the word 'brill'. Now, down to the serious business.

It was fascinating to see how many people turned out for the press day of FutureGardens. All the people who are committed to trying to create interesting new outdoor space seemed to be there. It was interesting to see the way people paired off to pursue serious critiquing. Anne Wareham and Charles Hawes were doing the rounds and waved cheerily; Corinne Julius and Stephen Anderton took notes and talked like show judges, in private low tones; James Alexander-Sinclair and Therese Lang, the last pair of the day, looking over what they'd achieved as organisers.

I personally really try hard not to see images of a garden or landscape before I go and visit it. I just hate having preconceived ideas. So as on the 10 o'clock news, I must warn you to turn away now if you don't want to know about these gardens. I think there is something big to be said for just turning up and looking.

On the other hand, if you need persuading, or you've already been and you're interested to know what someone else thought, carry on! Blog beginners, please remember, that as ever you can click on the pics to see them bigger.

Let me start with one I completely adored. This is Tony Heywood's. You may know Heywood's work already, or be totally new to it, but I defy you not to have an opinion. For me, I find it 100% enchanting. It's like a cross between a Hollywood filmstar's garden fountain and a strange deserted coal beach in the North East. Wizened trees he got from the National Trust and some 1970s conifers complete the picture. Bizarre and beautiful. For me, worth the journey on its own. For others, bleurgh, and where are the plants? (Apart from the ones he's spray-painted blue that is.)

Now, this one I hated. I really didn't get it. Peter Thomas designed it, who is well-regarded, so perhaps I will put this down to my personal not-getting-it. I hated the execution of it, really - I thought the blue plastic frames were too flimsy and I hated the colours of the plastic balls which I thought were too much like something bought from a shop. The idea of all these children working so hard to produce the painted butterflies which hang from the frames offended me. (Directly opposite to how I felt about the plasticine garden, in fact, where I adored the communal aspect of the work, which reminded me of Anthony Gormley's Field for the British Isles.)

I've shown you some of the most outrageous ones, as they are the ones which have stayed with me, I feel, a few days later. But there are other, quieter, more contemplative takes on the conceptual garden. This one I enjoyed, but didn't find especially exciting. However, I think a lot of people will really love it. It's called "Nest", by Jane Hudson and Erik de Maeijer. It has a gentleness and an attention to materials that's very striking, with a wonderful woven fence and this incredible oak planking (which makes you immediately go 'how did they afford that on a £25k budget???). She is an RHS judge so knows how to put together a good scheme, and I'll be interested to revisit and see how it changes as it's one of those where the planting looks reasonably intriguing.

And there was this, by two young graduates of Falmouth's increasingly prestigious garden design course (partly a Beardshaw production I believe, for those who care about such things), Maren Hallenga and Hugo Bugg. In many ways one of the most conservative of schemes, it bisected the whole space with this glorious log wall which had rusty steel circles making porthole views through it. Birch trees created dappled sunshine, and ponds full of old cutlery shimmered in the summer light. And, the planting of natives like stinging nettles next to gauzy astrantias really worked. They want to do a show garden at Chelsea next year (not ambitious then, are we?) so good luck to them, I think they have the kind of attention to detail and general balance of skills to do a good job.

I was perplexed by Andy Sturgeon's entry, I have to admit, though its rusted iron plates had a sombre quality that I kept returning to - especially so close to the anniversary of D-Day. I would happily sign up to ban birches as standard default modern tree for an interim period of perhaps three years, by which time people might have thought up something else to use. Though I guess the whiteness against the red does really work.

I wished the plates hadn't been quite so close to the back fence really; but this garden will come much more into its own over the course of the summer as this Richard Serra gesture is planted in what looks like grass, but is actually baby wheat. As the wheatgrass grows up, it will turn golden in the sun, and the rusted rectangles will sit in a miniature English field. I will still be thinking of Normandy and war, I think, but I will enjoy watching the change come about.

And lastly I really got into this one, after a conversation with the designer, Marcus Green. And after being slobbered on by his gorgeous dog Cosmo. He made the garden after many walks in the Northamptonshire countryside with Cosmo. The idea was to try to map in the garden some of the lines of energy created by the dog running through the fields. Anyone who has ever watched a dog running through young wheat knows how exhilarating it is, for the human being and the dog, and I loved the way he'd used native grasses such as the wonderfully-named "Yorkshire Fog" to create those characteristic 'crush' lines of animal tracks. Delicate, energetic, ley-liney, it really grew on me.

So look that's my brief report - I hope to read more from everyone else after their visits, and also to go back myself, and continue thinking about what I've seen. I have only one question about the whole exercise: I hope that lots of people find the £12.50 entrance fee good value for money, rather than extortionate, and recommend it to their friends. Here's hoping. But what do others think about that entrance fee?

Eek totally forgot my best pic of all. It's E17's Martyn Skywalker on his home planet of Tattoin, just coming from a day's moisture farming. 'The only Alexander-Sinclair I know of is old James ASinclair," he's saying as he ponders a weird message from a 'Princess Lila" that he found in a robot left in one of his fields earlier. I just hope he's keeping an eye out for Stormtroopers...

FYOOTCHA GARDENS INNIT

2009-06-04T19:27:00.008+01:00

In the future, people will undoubtedly spell future like that. I can see the way it's going already. The young people and their spelling, hey? I'm pretty surprised that they managed to resist calling Twitter 'Twytta'; but I guess that most Twitter users I know are well over twenty,so there's no need.

Anyway here is everyone's favourite and most radiant 'AWB' in the blogosphere's firmament, James, pictured in the process of rehearsing his opening speech for the said Futuregardens. Unlike the previous speech, of the gloriously pretty, slim, clad-in-crepe-de-chine Emilia Fox*, his contained the word 'amazing' a mere three times.

Futuregardens was brill and I would like to go on about it at some length but I want to have a proper think about exactly what I'd like to write first. In the meantime, je vous embrasse tous.

* I actually had to suppress a psychotic lesbian impulse to stroke her lovely hair as well. And shout "you can investigate my death anytime, Dr Nikki Alexander!" Honestly she is like an Oxford educated Barbie, only with lovely real skin like a replicant.

TIDINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS

2009-05-29T14:52:00.003+01:00

I didn't know this before, but apparently it can help in your defence for the crime of putting your mum's dead body in the freezer for twenty years if you keep your garden 'in pristine condition'.

WORDY THURSDAY: WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU YESTERDAY ABOUT ALBERTINE

2009-05-28T10:36:00.001+01:00

So yesterday I participated for the first time in Wordless Wednesday, and I had written three paragraphs of text about the gorgeous Rose 'Albertine' before I realised, ahem, that is not strictly within the rules. So here it is on Wordy Thursday, with apologies to those who prefer their flower pictures un-meditated upon by their author.

Albertine is a bit of a trashy old madame, she'll basically grow anywhere as far as I can tell. As a bit of a Proustophile myself, I cannot help thinking when I look at her of the female character who appears in the second half of Proust's big book, In Search of Lost Time.

In the book, Albertine is described as being very pretty, with the 'little pink nose of a cat'; herself a bit flirty, she leads the main character 'Marcel' quite heavily astray, managing to get both a Rolls Royce and a yacht for her troubles despite not actually 'putting out' (as they say in 'Grease: The Movie').

Albertine the rose does, however, put out all June long. And then, with a bit of tender care and a once-over with the Felcos, she will do a few more flowers in the later summer, which of course I tend to love much more because there are less of them (the contradictions of a woman's mind, let's put that down to). And she smells good too.

The character in the book was actually based on Proust's chauffeur, for whom he had a long and unrequited passion. Proust was gay, but obviously when it came to writing A la recherche he changed his annoyingly flirty chauffeur love into a girl, to avoid questions being asked. Honestly what a funny man. It's only after I realised that Proust was funny that I got round to reading the books, as up till then I had imagined they would be too loooonnnnggg and borrrrriiingg.

But I will always think of the rose and the girl (and possibly the chauffeur too) interchangeably: as Peter Beale says, 'A famous old rambler, with a strong constitution.'

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY: ALBERTINE APPARUE

2009-05-27T11:18:00.003+01:00

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

2009-05-23T21:34:00.003+01:00

Of course, I can go to a billion flower shows, but for me, there's never anything quite like the sight of coming home to my own garden. I am not saying it is brilliant, and I still bemoan the day my eccentric Palestinian neighbour painted her house bright orange in some vague reference to her own sense of 'home', but honestly, my own garden makes me go, 'ahhhh' and feel all warm inside.

PS

2009-05-23T21:30:00.003+01:00

This my favourite lady at whole Chelsea Flower Show. I respect her and her whole jug of Pimms.

CHELSEA, BYE-BYE

2009-05-23T20:59:00.011+01:00

So I happened to be driving back from my boyfriend's this afternoon at 4.30pm and had completely forgotten about the bloomin' Chelsea Flower Show... but seeing everyone spilling out with their amazing purchases made me screech to a halt and start taking photos!

(You can click on these and see them bigger if you are of a nosy persuasion)

It really made me want to go to breakdown next year.

This lady was my favourite - sorry it's a bit blurred but technically I was supposed to be driving. Look at the delphiniums on that!

There were people all along the Embankment right the way to Churchill Gardens estate in Pimlico, all clambering back onto their coaches with bags and bags of plants. Several people carrying entire standard fuchsia trees that must have been I think 6 foot tall.... Why wouldn't you take them back to your nursery, if you'd grown them, for next year? I'm amazed.

Anyway, stuck in traffic on the Embankment, it definitely made my afternoon to see them all strolling by, with the kind of smug expression you see on the face of someone who thinks they have got a very good bargain.

LAST MINUTE INVITATION

2009-05-22T18:01:00.002+01:00

I have totally forgotten, or er, perhaps been too embarrassed to say, but...

I am doing a talk at the British Museum tomorrow about the Kew India Landscape. 13.15 hours, please drop in.

No look I would love to see you if you are planning on a big day out shopping up West in posh frocks.

I also have plans afoot for other socialising in the near future to be unveiled when I have got my act together. Wishing you all a tippety-top weekend, Emma xx

CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW - SOME SUGGESTIONS

2009-05-20T08:41:00.010+01:00

Okay, anyway, so look it was a lovely flower show. Flowers, bla bla, plasticene, bla, bla, out of reach of the ordinary person, bla, bla.

But this year has been a stressful one for the Chelsea organisers, with so many no-shows design-wise. Notwithstanding this year's particular idiosyncrasies, the RHS takes seriously the idea that it should improve its flower shows year-on-year, particularly its flagship show in SW3. For this reason, I have been appointed to a steering committee comprising myself, Amanda Holden, Floella Benjamin, Melvyn Bragg, Will Young and Alain de Botton, intended to consider how Chelsea could move forward into the future.

At the moment we are only at the stage of filing an interim report, but here are some of our suggestions:

Alan Titchmarsh to sell kisses at a specially adapted stand on Main Avenue thus raising show revenues by an estimated £185,000 per day

RHS to begins discussions with Lawn Tennis Club Wimbledon about a possible economy-driven merger - 'Alliums and Cream' theme to be considered

Better celebrities to be sought with some urgency. Lumley, Mirren and Bonham-Carter to stay; Young, Holden, Benjamin and Harris are given their marching orders. Younger stars to be sought asap: Lilys Allen and Cole, Peaches Geldof and Frances Bean Cobain for bulb fruit and veg photocall.

Flower arranging pavilion to be replaced by car-park-sized stand selling homemade cake, à la NGS, made and sold by local resident Nigella Lawson

All night opening to be applied for to Kensington & Chelsea, including DJ appearances and bands; Martyn Cox to confirm playlist

Febreeze and Impulse to be available on special SmithKlineBeecham stand for people who have got a bit sweaty in the crush (Committee thanks Emma for suggestion)

Madame Tussauds to collaborate with Arabella Sock provide special animatronic waxwork displays of favourite Sock gifs at extra tent admission cost of £37.50 per person; (provisional display to include Sarah Raven pulling out the hair of the Sissinghurst restaurant manager; Toby Buckland and Alys Fowler doing mud wrestling over planting depths).

Miniature Gardens category to be introduced as a matter of some urgency - committee noted that sponsors might much more readily be encouraged to take part if garden planned was confined to a kitchen tray.

Lila Das Gupta to present all tv coverage from now on.

Gala Dinner to be replaced by glitzy Serpentine gallery type party with George Clooney. Emma Townshend has volunteered to look after such celebrity guests and the committee thanked her for her selfless offer of service.

The steering committee is now ready to open the forum to suggestions from you, the public, as to other suitable changes which might be made whilst keeping as we have to the essential spirit and tradition of Chelsea. Please submit your suggestions using the comment form below:

Seeya!!!

CHELSEA CELEB BINGE

2009-05-18T22:48:00.013+01:00

So in essence I think we can pretty much sum up Chelsea Press Day with this charming epithet. It resulted from me trying to spell Martyn Cox's celebrity BINGO on my phone and repeatedly mistyping, but to be honest, celebrity BINGE is probably more accurate.

I dunno. I mean, it's extremely good fun. I saw many of my fellow bloggers. I experienced the joy of Chelsea Flower Show Gadgets and Tat:

I even saw some super Chelsea Gorgeous Things I May Copy (yes! that's an actual colander!):

I twittered like mad. I got a grin out of Stephen Fry (looking surprisingly slim and trim actually):

I fell for one of dem fatal flower show offers (and then had to carry a huge green enamel watering can all the way home on the tube):

I saw a grown and beautiful woman dressed as an, err, bee?

But of course the real joy of the day isn't exactly the gardens, or the plants, or the piles of catalogues I now have to look at, or anything else, it's the people I spent the day with that will make me remember it.

I had a chat with Marina Christopher, amazing nurserywoman, and Lady Tollemache, distinguished judge, about the way the judging happens. Did you know you can get points deducted for planting something where it couldn't grow in nature (a bronze fennel under a tree in one case)? Or, that you can also get done for 'cramming' - stuffing your flowerbeds too full. Eek.

I had a chat with David from The Children's Society about what they get out of doing a Chelsea garden, and how they make the numbers add up. They justify their expense by inviting many potential donors to the Gala Reception which can persuade big money to part with large sums.

I walked round the pavilion with Lara Jewitt, team leader from the Princess of Wales Conservatory at Kew, talking about what she wants to get at Kew for next year (outdoor pitcher plants) and hearing about her own garden: she lives with two photographers, but she is completely in charge.

I went to the pub with Alys Fowler who I now just totally love. For her fold-up bike, elegant 1950s fashions, and just, Alysness. She wants to get an allotment. GET ALYS AN ALLOTMENT.

I had a number of chats with a number of delicious gardening people. And I met some new ones, like the political editor of our paper, with whom I had an in-depth think about growing carrots. Martyn Cox's sage advice: try the round-ended baby ones.

I had a funny time with the film crew from QVC and I did a bit of stuff about their garden which they might use on their shopping channel. (!) I said it was sexy and the kind of garden I'd like in real life - a fountain and a built-in barbecue. Just put in a Tiki bar and I'll give you a downpayment.

I waved to Matthew Wilson, who looked as handsome as ever, and had to restrain myself from chasing Joe "He To Whom This Blog is Devoted" Swift down the Main Avenue yelling "I LOVE YOU".

I saw Victoria, to whom I am also devoted, and moaned enviously about how Jane Perrone and the Guardian had a CAMERAMAN for like FILMING. I am no Fanny Price, suffering my poor relationhood in silence.

I found out how Which? go about rating compost and growbags, with the deliciously-named Veronica Peerless (from Which?). Extremely intensive testing.

I kissed Mr James Alexander-Sinclair which is always a pleasure as he is award-winning.

And as the photo would indicate, I had some more good times with Lila and Cleve.

Honestly it was a pretty random day. I think I saw some gardens in there, somewhere, too. And if there was just one thing I could have changed about today, it's that I wish all of you could have been there too.

SUPER SUPER CHELSEA

2009-05-17T18:27:00.006+01:00

I am off tomorrow at six in the morning to press day (though it has this year been revealed to me that actually, all the cool people ask for Sunday tickets...... Sheeeeeesssshhhhh)

One person cool enough to be there today was my friend Tim, who has posted some gorgeous pics on his Flickr. I have totally illegally 'borrowed' one to give you a little taste of his work. Take a look for a vicarious Chelsea preview thrill!

NEVER MIND CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW, WHAT ABOUT DAVID CAMERON'S WISTERIA

2009-05-15T09:19:00.006+01:00

In these thoroughly exciting times of ours, it's rare that gardening makes it onto the front page of the newspaper. Of course there's always a bit of kerfuffle in Chelsea week due to the exciting presence of CELEBRITIES (and for those with a Heat!icultural mentality, go quickly right now and download Martyn Cox's celebrity Chelsea Bingo card).

But not usually in the political news, no.

All that has now changed.

Due to the revelations which have been liderally pouring out of Westminster for the last few days, we now know precisely how much David Cameron had to cough up to have a wisteria removed from his Oxfordshire home (surely such an act would be against local Cotswold bylaws?).

I thought readers might enjoy a brief selection of all the horticultural costs charged by our esteemed representatives in parliament...

Bristol MP Dan Norris got a strimmer
John Gummer £9,000 on gardening including removal of moles from the lawn. Well, they can be pesky creatures. A year, for four years. That's, um, £36 GRAND.
David Heathcote-Armory spent £380 and got hundreds of sacks of horse manure. Now this man I respect.
Nick Clegg - £760 to repair the garden path. Ooh, and he's taking us down it...
Margaret Beckett - £600 on hanging baskets and container plants. In total, she had £6,500 for gardening, including dismantling a rockery.
Lembit Opik sank to a new low - £12,ooo including decking. Ugh.
Douglas Hogg - £2000 to 'clear the moat around his house'! I'm not kidding.
Sir Michael Spicer - £7,000 for maintenance including 'hedge-trimming for a helipad'. He later described the claim for a helipad as a 'family joke'. Oops!
Alan Duncan (oh he really has been naughty - he heads the freaking committee in charge of overseeing expenses) £3,194 on gardening in March 2007. For a gardener to garden 16 hours a week in grounds of less than an acre. £6 an hour, which is criminal in itself, I think, plus £598 to fix the ride-on mower.

I don't know what you think about all this, but I can't help laughing.

One thing strikes me though - all these MPs could do with a bit of help. I mean, wisteria is a bit of a challenge, but don't remove it! Learn to prune it properly, and get all the benefits. And Douglas Hogg could simply have consulted Vita Sackville-West.Next time, can we send David Cameron to gardening class?

HELLO FROM FLORA DAY

2009-05-08T15:21:00.006+01:00

Roll some more imaginary, in-your-head, music!

This time it's Pom, pom, pom, po-po-poppy-poppy-pom

Po-po-pom-pom-poppy-poppy-pom-pom-pom.

That's the floral dance!

This photo is actually from that regular contributor, 'my mum', who is as usual hanging out at Flora Day. The 8th May is an important event in the calendar of Helston, Cornwall, as all the shops and houses get covered in spring flowers ready for the dancers to come through the streets. It starts at 7am, and my mum likes to get there for the first dance, but she just emailed me this one of the Nationwide Building Society that I rather liked and thought...

what a nice picture for a Friday afternoon.

Despite what it might look like in the photo, all the flowers are real, these are laurel leaves, I think and bluebells, of course; it's usually a combination of those two with whatever else can be found mixed in.

Anyway if you're ever down that way for the 8th May, don't miss Flora Day.

Although, stop press, according to the BBC, they have banned alcohol this year because of an incident last year down by the boating lake. (I told my mum she shouldn't start drinking so early, but she wouldn't listen.)

PS PS CINDERELLA SALE:

Thompson and Morgan, I just noticed, are having 50% off all their remaining veg seeds till midnight on the 14th. Get along and order the last few things you were fancying. (I am annoyed as I ordered a packet of Tigerella from them literally yesterday, grr.....)

PARFUM DES POUSSES DE POIS

2009-05-06T19:44:00.008+01:00

Sorry for the duff photo I just took it quickly on my phone.

But listen!

These are my seed trays of broad beans and edamame, along with a few Hurst Green Shaft on the (very, very enthusiastic) recommendation of Mark 'Veg Patch' Diacono.

I just took off the lids because I've been doing it about, as usual, three times a day, to see if anything's sprouted yet (yes, pretty much since about half an hour after I sowed them).

But just now I took the lid off and noticed something I'd never experienced before. PLEASE someone else tell me it's happened to them.

None of the plants is up yet, but because they've got a lid on them (first year ever) there was trapped underneath, just momentarily, the most fugitive, amazing, delicate smell of peas.

What about that then?

Even though they are only seeds just germinating. They still have 'pea-ness'. Oops i hadn't really thought how that might sound out loud. Oh well, opportunity for some more gags on the part of the smutty downmarket section of commenters

I definitely haven't imagined it because I just went back and did it again and I can really smell it.

OOOhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(honestly this time of year is like vegetable heaven isn't it?)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEW

2009-05-05T13:14:00.002+01:00

Friends, you can amuse yourself today, for one day only, by Kewgling yourself. It's the 250th!

TO ERR IS TO BE HUMAN

2009-04-26T15:20:00.005+01:00

While you are examining this photo I would like you to imagine Also Sprach Zarathustra, the music from 2001, is playing.

Daaaaaaaa.....

Daaaaaaaaaa.....

Daaaaaaaa.....

Da-dah........

(Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom)

Daaaaaaaa.....

Daaaaaaa....

Anyway that's enough of that. The reason this strangely phallic shoot has to have such tremendous music is that it is....

FIRST

ASPARAGUS

EVER

(Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, if i was Arabella I could have actually put this music on here, chiz)

Late last year I actually made the mistake of thinking it would be a good idea to create asparagus beds for autumn-planted varieties.

Forget it, honestly. I spent the whole winter worrying if the roots were still alive, and when Mark Diacono (and others) started to do asparagus reports about three weeks ago I became even more neurotic.

Eventually this afternoon I went down there and started forking over the soil. Carefully, mind.

But the general feeling of anxiety didn't go until I finally found a couple of little (admittedly-penis-shaped shoots) sticking up above the surface.

On the autumn-planting front I can say that I have lost about ten plants out of twenty and that even the ten that are still there aren't doing particularly well.

I actually dug one up on purpose before I found the pictured shoot and the roots haven't really done anything all winter. So my general verdict on autumn planting is, what a load of rubbish. Half the crop dead and the rest only just getting growing, which is where they'd be if I'd planted them last week.

Sigh.

Hopefully by 2011 or whenever it is that I am actually allowed to start eating the bloody things the differences will have evened out.

But anyway, forget all that, because - 2001 music for my amazing shoot! And as for my stoopid autumn planting brainwave... as HAL the psychotic computer likes to say: "It can only be attributable to human error".

TO MONETISE, OR NOT TO MONETISE

2009-04-04T13:59:00.002+01:00

I don't know whether everyone else has already noticed this, but I logged in this morning to find a new feature on my toolbar, "Monetise". UGH!

So basically by pressing this I can start asking Google to put ads on my blog so that I can start raking in all my Baklava-related millions.

I knew there was a reason I'd started this blog! Apart from to express my love for Joe.

But the word Monetise practically makes me vomit. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. Is it a made-up word? I think I might just go in the other room and check if it's in the OED. In the meantime, ugh.

NO SUCH THING AS A FREE BUNCH (OF PARSNIPS)

2009-03-25T10:00:00.000Z

This made me laugh!

TEN THOUSAND? ten THOUSAND?

2009-03-21T13:05:00.003Z

So I managed somehow this week to avoid noticing the absolutely remarkable news that the ten thousandth visit had been made to this top-quality blog.

This is really amazing to me and I can't quite believe it. It makes me feel really happy!

I would like to thank totally all of you who have ever visited for putting up with all the twaddle and for not commenting too joyously every time service is interrupted.

To acknowledge my starting inspiration in this endeavour, and the guiding light who keeps me going even through the darkest hours, I am posting this tribute picture from my own collection. Which i may have ahem customised slightly.

i would also like to thank VP, the Garden Monkey, James A-S, Arabella Sock, Alex from Shedworking, Victoria, Zoe, Matthew Wilson, Yolanda, Pete Free, Lila, Karen the artist, the constant gardener, Anonjan, Esther, Julia, Colleen, Jane P, everyone else who comments on the blog, and everyone who sent their stuff in for the fête, which was incredibly exhausting but also really fun. Pur-lease don't make me do it again this year.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

THE PHOTO I HAVE TO KEEP

2009-03-12T20:22:00.003Z

Helen, the patient gardener, has done a lovely post about a photo she just has to keep on her camera, even after downloading. Her photo is of verbena and a big butterfly from a summer's afternoon with her kids that she remembers vividly.

I too have such a photo, that never leaves the camera, but mine as you can see is considerably less touching. Ahem. But on the other hand, it also tells you something about what I love.

EAT MORE WEEDS

2009-03-09T12:42:00.010Z

Emma Cooper is so quick off the mark that she's already blogged about the beautiful event we shared together at the weekend (ahh): Kew Ethnobotany Department's Open Day.

We already knew Emma Cooper is classy is because her chickens are called Hen Solo and Princess Layer, but it was very nice to meet her in person. Especially as I now follow her on Twitter, the newest layer of frantic social networking I've added to my own personal arsenal. Between her, Alex from Shedworking, Yolanda and James Alexander-Sinclair, plus all the cool Americans, there's loads of horticultural Twitter traffic to choose from. Join, and then you too can broadcast your every waking thought.

The open day was fantastic for a number of non-Emma Cooper-related reasons, and my favourite stall of the day was the edible weeds one. I know Jane at the Guardian's had this on the brain a bit lately...

but these foragers from Brighton had brought along huge bowfuls of everything from Hairy Bittercress (it tastes really quite good! and I pulled it out all of my pots just last week!) to Cleavers. Actually I still can't totally believe I ate Cleavers.

And for pudding? This is a man brandishing some weird stuff at me that turned out to be fruit leather... a thick chewy sheet made from a thin layer of pulped fruit. Apparently, stone age people used to carry it round as a snack. Ahem.

BAD CROCUS CONFESSION

2009-02-25T09:02:00.005Z

Nigel Colborn describes himself as "passionate but bungling" though there's absolutely nothing bungling about his blogging. His latest post, about crocuses, is enough to reanimate my interest in a bulb that I normally happily tread into the wet spring grass. (I know, it's bad.)

There's something about reading about how a bulb grows in the wild that makes all the difference to me; but also his photos are lovely. He also reveals we are about to be treated to his writing in print on a weekly basis which news actually cheered up my morning. Head over if you haven't already.

In tribute to him and as a cheer-up I'm posting the most garish thing I saw in Wisley alpine house on this day 2008. A member of the distinguished Hyacinthaceae, it's called Lachenalia aloides (ahh, it does remind me of my lovely aloes now you come to mention it) var "Pearsonii". I will be having a little fantasy that Dan discovered it now. They are, predictably, Cape locals; the one I need to track down for full hallucinogenic effect is aloides "Quadricolor" - as Tom Hart-Dyke would probably say: "yikes".

THIS YEAR IN THE GARDEN?

2009-02-23T12:14:00.003Z

Look who was ba-humbling around in my garden yesterday - spring really is on the cusp. (Take no notice of the completely retarded Hyacinth 'Woodstock' the bee is bumbling on, the snow did something funny to the flowers.)

What are you thinking this time of year? Are you getting excited and making veg plot plans? I'm pleased for you if so. But I find myself feeling strangely depressed. I feel that last year I had a terrible year in the garden - that I ended the year thinking that none of the jobs had really got done.

I want to have a year in the garden this year which is the opposite to 2008. I want to finish the year without feeling like I've bought loads of random plants from plant sales and then come home and stuck them in wherever. I want to feel like I've taken care of what's actually there, and not ached for it all to be totally different. And most of all I want to stop arranging my garden so that it needs more work than I ever have time to do, and ends up feeling like an evil, sulking presence in a corner of my mind.

The truth is that I am good at growing things if they are big and green and don't need much attention. Or need it once a year: like my wisteria, now primed to go. But I can't do (at all) that lovely floral floaty stuff that James A-S is so good at. I can't do the organised allotment routine that VP is so good at. I have tried to be these things and I am just not them. I have a twenty-year-old agave to show for my years of gardening, and a fifteen-year-old puya. And my allotment can be distinguished from afar by its sweet william patch and asparagus fronds. And that's, um, about it.

I want to stop trying to be good at what I'm not, and just accept the gardener that I am. A fairly lazy gardener, who will run out on a cold night with bubble wrap and brush falling snow off the echiums, but who is not very good at remembering to feed and water. And who wants to spend more time this year sitting in the garden relaxing, and less feeling stressed about whether squirrels have dug up all the newly planted species Gladioli. I just feel like my life might be too short to be a really good gardener.

Anyway these are my slightly doomy, though pragmatic, thoughts, on this February day.

Did you have any realisations about yourself as a gardener last year? Have they changed the way you are planning to garden this year?

BOBBY DAZZLIN' DARWIN B-DAY DINNER

2009-02-12T08:18:00.009Z

Iguana steak, anyone?

I was just reading Arabella's hilarious post about her fantasy dinner party (very honored to have been included there) which itself came from VP's original post "Dinner Time".

The idea is to put together a fantasy dinner party. VP already invited today's Birthday Boy, Charles Darwin, but I think I'm going to do the same again... (Especially as this post is a double meme-whammy, because this week I'm also "Blogging for Darwin". Check out loads of other Darwin posts this week using their sidebar.)

So my first guest is Charles Darwin. I have spent the last month reading most of Darwin's letters, so whilst VP thought he sounded a bit grumpy in the letter auctioned recently down her way, actually I've been immersed in hundreds of his letters about dogs which were all incredibly cute. One, about the death of a dog, actually made me cry. And some of his letters are hilarious - he was very, very funny when he chose to be. I reckon he'll be an okay dinner guest. Especially when he hears who else I'm inviting...

I'm also having Mark Chase, head of the Jodrell Laboratory at Kew. Mark Chase is head of the group responsible for changing all those plant family names about fourteen times each... Ha ha that makes it sound bad. No: for me personally, the Kew APG group has done some of the most interesting, amazing scientific work ever... working out by DNA analysis exactly how the flowering plants are all related to one another, and tracing them back to their single common ancestor. Darwin would be thrilled to meet Mark Chase and would pick his brains all evening, while other guests got to earwig the world-class conversation.

Next I am going to invite Julia from A Bigger Pot. This is partly because she lives pretty much round the corner from me, but we've never actually managed to meet! But also I think she would relish my other guests, being paleontologically-minded herself. And I'm sure Darwin would enjoy hearing some of the latest news from a field he loved.

I might also invite Lara Jewitt who is the team leader of the Princess of Wales Conservatory at Kew - she is a totally good laugh, knows loads about how to grow big tropical plants (she could give me and Julia some hints) and also can tell us some stories about her badly behaved piranas.

As a treat for myself, Darwin and maybe Julia, though I don't know her views on the subject, I am also going to invite Richard Fortey. He's a top class trilobite man but also a popular science writer - his most recent is "Dry Store Room No 1", about what goes on behind the scenes at the Natural History Museum. I went to a talk there that he gave in the autumn about evolution and he was really interesting. And jolly. I rate jolliness quite high.

And I'm also going to invite another Richard, Richard Mabey. Though he often seems in print like a rather lonesome and melancholy person, I interviewed him once and he was delightful so I'm definitely having him. I'll tell him, "come on, the food's for free!".

And as a love interest I'm having Tom Hart-Dyke partly because he is irrepressibly entertaining and partly because I just think he is hot.

Now I feel rather short of agreeable female company, so I would like to return the invitation to my fellow bloggers; some of you I have encountered in real life already, but I'd really particularly love to get together with a few of you I've never met! Yolanda! Kate Manic! Oh my god how will I narrow it down with such a wealth of talent?

And finally I would like to ensure my party goes with a bang, and so there's two guests whose attendance is essential. I would like both Nigel Colborn and James A-S, who I am convinced will ensure the whole evening is one to be engraved into memory. Plus they both have such a way with words that I will (for once) be able to just shut up and listen.

Um sorry I know i've gone over the limit for numbers... but five isn't enough for real dinner fun! Now let's get eating!

(before you get all indignant about my steak joke, Darwin ate iguana when he was on the voyage of the Beagle.)

JEKKA BOOK GIVEAWAY GIVEN AWAY!

2009-01-28T13:34:00.003Z

So the Baklava Standards Committee dictated that I should publish this image of our due and careful competition process, to assure our readers of its fairness under public scrutiny.

As you can see, after much debate we went for the old "scrunched up names in a Sainsbury's bag" technique; old, but effective. And the winner was...

Alex from Shedworking, a fine figure of a blogger and possessor at least half an allotment where hopefully he can put some of Jekka's favourite herbs to work.

Thank you to everyone who entered and I'd like to think it was the laws of chance favouring Alex who was such a regular poster on Garden Monkey.

LAST CALL FOR ENTRIES ON THE JEKKA BOOK GIVEAWAY

2009-01-26T09:49:00.001Z

Just comment on this post or the one below in the next 24 hours, leaving your name (obv it doesn't work if you do it anonymously!) and I will enter you into my draw, which I'll do tomorrow morning at 11am.

Emma xxx

GOODBYE MONKEY TRIBUTE GIVEAWAY

2009-01-08T16:59:00.010Z

Anyone who regularly reads the gardening blogs will know that despite my general cheekiness, I have a deep love for the monkey. I'd been racking my brains for a suitable send-off-slash-tribute, and then it came to me in a flash!

On 12th February, Kyle Cathie are publishing the paperback of the revised edition of Jekka's Complete Herb Book. It is a totally gorgeous bible of everything you can do with herbs, letting you know the best mint for mint sauce, for mint tea, for hanging baskets. Etc.

Knowing how much the GM loves gardening books (and also having seen at first hand how much the GM's identity fascinates Jekka) I thought this was a star giveaway and the perfectly appropriate gift! And it means we get to celebrate that simian, not boo-hoo about it.

So I received a brand-new copy yesterday morning direct from the publisher, and I will put it straight back in the jiffy bag and send it off to one lucky winner, in honour of the Naked Ape. Saving one lucky person £16.99.

All you have to do is comment here, don't give me any contact details, I'll just draw the commenters' names out of a hat, then announce it, and you can get in touch with me. But here's an idea: why don't you use the comment to share with us all the GM thing which made you spit out the most tea whilst laughing?

Monkey, we will miss you, but we hope that the change brings you a bit more peace for sitting around eating bananas. XXX

STOP PRESS FOR LONDON JEKKISTAS:

Jekka is the speaker at KMIS, Kew Mutual Improvement Society, on Monday evening.

BAH NEW YEAR HUMBUG

2009-01-05T11:24:00.004Z

So here's the thing. I had a really happy christmas. It was really lovely. And I had loads of nice food, but also managed to keep up my running, and I was the only person I know who didn't get sick over the entire period. Not even a runny nose.

And now it is a new year, with the promise of the bowls of Narcissi paperwhite I made under Duke Colbourn's instructions back in November.* Everyone's posting about new year's resolutions and lovely little spring flowers.

Why then do I feel so grumpy?

* His narcissi looked much better than mine. Maybe that's contributing to the whinginess.

HAPPY SOLSTICE!

2008-12-22T10:30:00.003Z

HURRAY MY DRUIDICAL FRIENDS! Today is LONGER than YESTERDAY!!!

I found a cool website showing how Stonehenge looks with the sun coming through it. And it's always fun to read about New Grange too.

I also read Simon Barnes at the weekend talking about hearing owls from his bed and talking about the solstice as "the year's handbrake turn" which I'm afraid is my new favourite poetic description of this wonderful event...

Sending you all many paganish greetings, happiness, and wishing all your plants a wonderful growing season ahead.

Emma xxx

SATURDAY MORNING SHEDBLOG

2008-12-20T09:53:00.004Z

After some Friday night shednagging we are delighted to be able to offer immediate response shedbloggery from Vincent Square. Snow made out of felt, with real christmas greenery too. And no less than two santas one of whom I think was a girl. Or maybe an elf. These days, you never can tell.

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND: A STRICTLY HOMEMADE GARDENERS WORLD ONE-OFF SPECIAL

2008-12-19T16:08:00.016Z

Yes, even Strictly Homemade Gardeners' Worlds can sometimes fill column inches with boring celebrity/ornament-driven show reports! So here are my photos from this week's show at Vincent Square for those feeling too peaky / living too far away to make it:

You may not know quite how much I enjoy it when a banned article makes it into an RHS show. I can't help it, I just love it when I see a gnome gracing a show stand. As a result, this sight made me beam with joy at this week's Winter wonderland at Vincent Square. (We were actually asked to vote for our favourite stand and I was about to write down Trevor Wood's incredibly tasteful, beautiful, evocative willow display, and then I revealed my inner cheap and nastiness and just went for the illegal gnomes/succulents instead.)

Here is Trevor "Gandalf" Wood's lovely mouse assistant. And look at those incredibly tasteful, beautiful teazels and catkins in the background though.... mmmm....

There were some other purely beautiful things on display, so don't worry if you prefer your taste "good", I'm not going to make you look at tons of pictures of gnomes. Like this gorgeous white amaryllis, "Christmas Gift":

and this fantastic green and burgundy striped 'skinny' amaryllis which looks more like a weird orchid to me, except for those long stamens, and the colours reminding me of species gladioli I saw this spring at Wisley:

I think this is the Wizard of Ye Botanic Nursery. He looks slightly harried. I think Snow White might have been hassling him a bit to be honest.

A very pretty businesslady negotiating to corner the world market in Poinsettia futures ("Buy, buy!" she's yelling down the phone to Tokyo.)

Trehane Camellias had hung little glass ornaments in some of the camellias, so there were these jewelled colours, however the owner surpassed herself by adding this amazing emerald outfit. What a colour combination, i just loved it:

The rock upon which my blog is founded, Sir Joseph Swift: he is having a little chat to the reindeer who runs Pennard Plants about their rare veg seeds. (I bought a packet of cold-proof lettuce called "Winter Density" from them, it has a picture of a polar bear in a deckchair on the front.)

My award for the best outfit: Mike Park, botanical and horticultural bookseller, with his terribly pretty sister.

And finally here's one more Richard and Sheena's brilliant Snow White and the seven dwarfs, with seven different kinds of cactus playing the dwarves. Strangely American.... Now can you see why I felt it was worth my vote????

MY FAVOURITE KIND OF SCIENCE

2008-12-19T12:49:00.000Z

The chocolatier has been on the phone as a new scientific study reveals that eating a chocolate truffle makes you want... to eat another one!

LITERALLY INCREDIBLE!

However my favourite part of the findings is the bit where apparently, giving in to your desire for luxury chocolate can unleash your inner desires for other high-end goods like Louis Vuitton handbags. My, but chocolate is bad for you in so very many ways....

BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING

2008-12-19T12:45:00.000Z

This was in the Telegraph last week, just in case you don't take that paper (ahem). A family from Yeovil in Somerset have spent five years growing two conifers together to make this giant Christmas pudding, which they've then sprayed with paint for the cream and added some plywood berries.

Best of all, they are only called Mr and Mrs Holley!

BA TWAZ

2008-12-19T12:20:00.000Z

I have already written elsewhere of my tender feelings for BA's new ad campaign. William sent me this a few days ago which just added to my sense of mirth. He made it specially, like.

METAPHYSICAL POETRY, S.A.D, WILD HUNTING

2008-12-17T00:57:00.005Z

This may be a bit of a mish-mash blog, perhaps because it's one o'clock in the morning! But as we approach the shortest day (much to my relief and that of my fellow S.A.D.-ers), my sleep patterns are now just nonsense.

One of my favourite poems in the entire language is John Donne's poem about St Lucie's Day, 13 December: the shortest day of the year in the old calendar. I just started looking some little things about St Lucy on Wikipedia, which is completely fascinating: a day very much still celebrated in Scandinavian countries with lots of little girls in white and candles, hence the picture.

But in fact Donne's poem is a bit more physical, earthly, even garden-ish, than these little girls might suggest. His "sap is sunk" and "life is shrunk", he says; "I am every dead thing". The world awaits renewal, Donne tells us, in the most fabulous seventeenth century poetry known to humanity. We are on the very brink of turning back towards the sun, he says, towards lust, sun and festival, from a dead, absent darkness.

This wilder side of this time of year I found reflected in another Wikipedia article, entitled quite wonderfully "Wild Hunt". Had you ever heard of the Devil and his Dandy Dogs? Man, I really want to see them? (Or do I?)

(Most bizarrely of all, as we were nattering about Schoenberg earlier in the week, I just found out that there's a bit of his massive oratorio Gurrelieder that's based on a wild hunt. Cor, you never heard of something before and suddenly it's all over the place.)

Anyway I am going to go and try and calm my brain for sleep now, but check out Donne's beautiful poem when you have a quiet moment and a cup of tea. Tis the year's midnight, you know, and we now have only four days to go till the Solstice, which has a kind of wonder to it.

VP GETS DOG

2008-12-15T17:57:00.002Z

I got really excited when i read this headline! Then I realised it just related to boring old Joe Biden, and not to our beloved Miss of Chippenham.

On the other hand, the dog is nonetheless almost as cute as Yolanda's. Which is saying something.

SLIGHTLY HOMEMADE MUSICALLY THEMED GARDENERS WORLD

2008-12-12T12:57:00.001Z

Maybe it's all this talk of Christmas Carols but I felt a musical theme coming on when I thought about SHGW this week. I have (still) been singing "I'm a Lonely Pup in a Christmas Shop", no more so than when I belatedly caught onto America's newest internet viral craze, the Puppycam!

My illustration is from the award-winning Alex Ross's "The Rest is Noise", a history of twentieth century music. It's the fabulously austere Arnold Schoenberg doing a bit of watering in his garden in California, just after Schoenberg fled Nazi Germany. Which just goes to show. Well, I don't know quite what, but certainly, something.

CHERRY TOMATO GARCIA

2008-12-12T12:56:00.000Z

That dude with the beard is Jerry Garcia! The guiding light of the Grateful Dead. I couldn't find a photo of him actually gardening, but just listen to this snippet on Jerry's near-death experience, excerpted from Dennis McNally's fine 2002 social history of the band, "A Long Strange Trip", which sets a discussion of their work and music into a vivid consideration of the wider landscape of American culture at the time:

"The summer of 1986 was meltingly hot, especially in Washington DC. It was a standard-issue DC summer day, with the temperature over one hundred and the humidity nearly that high. Garcia was only outside his air-conditioned dressing room for three hours, but he was intensely dehydrated when he left the stage. He flew home the next day, July 8, and once there complained of thirst.

He began to slip into a coma. 'I started feeling like the vegetable kingdom was speaking to me. It was communicating in comic dialect with iambic pentameter. So there were these Italian accents and German accents and it got to be this vast gabbling. Potatoes and radishes and trees were all speaking to me,' he said, laughing. 'It was really strange. It finally just reached hysteria and that's when I passed out.'

In a deep coma of initially unknown origin, he resisted the doctors' efforts to give him a CAT scan, so they injected him with liquid Valium. Unfortunately, he was allergic to it, and his heart stopped. The doctors zapped him back to life in a Code Blue response, and placed him on a respirator for forty-eight hours before he was able to breathe on his own."

The vegetable kingdom were speaking to him! Trust him to even have a more exciting coma than anyone else.

PREHISTORIC WEED. QUITE LITERALLY.

2008-12-12T12:51:00.000Z

Musicians and creative artists from all genres have been known throughout history for a more-than-average willingness to abuse the fruits of the garden in pursuit of what they call "higher seeing", and what we all call "seeing if you can get high".

However recent news from China suggests this tradition is even older than hitherto suspected.

A TALK WITH THE METAL PRODUCERS

2008-12-12T12:12:00.000Z

When you saw the title of my post you may have imagined I was going to be talking about Mutt Lange, producer of Def Leppard's classic "Animal", or perhaps long-time collaborator of Metallica and "the Crue", Bob Rock.

The truth is that I actually refer to a famous speech given by Metal's man of Iron, Joseph Stalin, during 1934. Here's a quick excerpt:

"We must cherish every capable and intelligent worker, we must cherish and cultivate him. People must be cultivated as tenderly and carefully as a gardener cultivates a favourite fruit tree. We must train, help to grow, offer prospects, promote at the proper time, transfer to to other work at the proper time when a man is not equal to his job, and not wait until he has finally come to grief."

That's what Koba really meant! He intended for people "not equal" to their jobs to be transferred! Retrained! Helped! Cherished like a favourite fruit tree!

Not murdered with ice picks! Honestly, I don't know how those guys got it so wrong.

WALLANDER LOAD OF RUBBISH

2008-12-08T22:53:00.003Z

Look I am someone who likes high art literature; but in downtime my favourite thing in the entire world is detective fiction. And detective TV programmes. So obviously I was very pleased when they decided to make a TV programme of Wallander. But honestly! It's rubbish! They get a super Shakespearean actor to play my best Scandinavian cop... It doesn't work! Wallander is Swedish! He doesn't look like Kenneth Branagh! To be honest, in my head he looks more like Ken Stott. Well, all the cops look like Ken Stott, don't they?

But also it's just a bad adaptation. I don't like it. It's beautifully shot, and of course Svenska is so gorgeous to look at. But to me the books give a strong sense of Swedish society, which the TV programme utterly fails to do. Anyway, a big thumbs down. but I'm still watching it on I-Player. I'm just not giving it my full attention....

KEW, GLORIOUS KEW

2008-12-08T17:19:00.012Z

(Billbergia vittata, Brazil)

If you are one of the regular devotees of Baklava you will know that I am one of Kew Gardens' massive team of volunteers, providing everything from weeding to (in my case) free guided tours to the general public.

Every so often, we guides have to update what we know, so that we are right "on message"*. So today I spent the morning with a load of my colleagues in the Princess of Wales Conservatory, swotting up on bromeliads, orchids and carnivorous plants for the upcoming Tropical Extravaganza.

(Neoregelia seideliana)

My findings: Everything just looks so lovely. And huge. And crazy. And colourful...

And lots of other bloggers have been saying how there's no colour in the garden at the moment...

So....

Well...

make your way to Kew Gardens ladies and gentlemen...

you will not be disappointed...

(Another Bromeliad whose name I forgot to ask)

(Sarracenias: increasing popular with flower arrangers, and thus threatened in the wild)

(Masdevallia the weirdest looking orchid, showing off its three fused sepals)

(Arid landscape bromeliads, top walk, POW)

*Speak to the marketing department about this, not me.

GARDENS IN PRINT

2008-12-04T11:09:00.006Z

Yum yum yum. It's been a bumper week for nice garden print arriving.

First Hortus, the wickedest gardening magazine there is. Then Garden History, the journal of the Garden History Society, and today the Hardy Plant Society seed list.

It's a very staying-in time of year, and it's rather staying-weather as well, so it's very nice to have something good to read.

Hortus

I always find myself almost unable to read it because the paper's so creamy, the spine is so pristine; but I really enjoyed David Wheeler's musings on crocosmias and day-lilies; and Hugh Johnson's account of judging Bulb of the Year made me smile because I was there, championing the Camassia. (I didn't win though.) I also loved the sweet piece about hybrid teas and their fans, because they remind me of my childhood.

I am going to be rude, though, about the "Eros toi Sofia" article, telling the history of a great Ukrainian garden. The garden bit was great. But after twenty pages I was slightly bored of Felix and Sophie, and utterly horrified to read at the end: "Parts Two, Three and Four will appear over the next three issues." YAWN! I am tempted to ask for a refund...

Garden History

It smells soooo good.

Three really interesting things in here this quarter:

Johnny Phibbs on "the viewpoint" in eighteenth century gardens. Love him, love his viewpoints.

Anne Helmreich on Edwardian gardens for health. She wrote a really intriguing book a few years ago about English national identity and gardens; this is all about fresh air and boisterous exercise to keep body and mind in good shape. Very interesting.

Scott Zona on the horticultural history of the date palm. Brilliant. And dates are very christmassy.

Lastly then:

HPS Seed list

Okay, here's the thing. If you aren't a member, you need to be a member. Firstly, it has the best magazine ever. Really really good. Not like the slightly random mags you get from the Fuchsia Soc et al.

But also - TWENTY PACKETS OF SEED FOR £5!

!!!

!!!!!

Come on fill in your application form right now.

Let me give you some highlights:

six different species of Angelica, including gigas, taiwaniana, and ursina.
five weird and tempting sounding Bupleurums
twenty different Dieramas (don't bother: they will take forever, but that's not the point)
A gazillion hardy geraniums
A MASSIVE THIRTY NINE DIFFERENT SALVIAS

is your mouth watering yet?

Only disappointing thing? Nine euphorbias, a bit weak, I thought. Never forget the euphorbias, my friends. Maybe I will have to send some of my seed in, next year.

JACK FRICKIN' FROST

2008-12-03T09:01:00.002Z

Okay that's it, no more jokes about BBC weather online, now I just hate them. I checked their temps before I went to bed last night and the whole of London was a zero. NORMALLY this would mean that where I live (a little warm microclimate just the other side of the river from Kew Gardens) there was no hard frost.

However when I woke up this morning all my echiums were frosted. Sigh. I know they can get through this kind of a punch because it's happened before, but honestly, I'm just infuriated with the website.

I think I should have an air thermometer on the window really. But then the plants nearest the house haven't been touched by frost at all - a bottlebrush, a Euphorbia mellifera, so obviously the air nearest the house isn't freezing.

So I would like to know - how do you know if frost is going to be hard, or just a dusting? What equipment do you use and trust? Or are you just out there on cold nights, sniffing the air and saying "Aha" like a Johnny Deppish sort of gardener-pirate? All tips gratefully received.

REVIEW OF THE EXECUTIVE GARDENER'S REVIEW, PART 1

2008-12-03T00:13:00.003Z

As all top executives know, there's always someone in human resources keeping an eye on what you're up to: ticking the appropriate boxes, recommending large bonuses (or, in my case, scribbling "has again been told not to sit down during shop opening hours" on my third formal warning).

The Executive Gardener was a little tardy delivering this weekend's promised newspaper review, which seems a bit lax given it's only the first week this feature has run. Mind you, "tired and emotional" we can all be, so we won't let that affect our assessment.

After a brief skip through the Telegraph, the EG showed taste in tipping the executive (presumably) bowler hat to Helen "we are not worthy" Yemm and highlighting the M Wilson snaps (anybody got a copy they can send me they haven't used for mopping up cat pee?).

I'm glad to hear that someone has written about Thrive but a bit annoyed I didn't get around to it sooner because a friend was going about it months and months ago and I'm an idiot.

I love Carol Klein, so I don't mind if she recommends Annabelle. I'm not sure that the general gardening punter would know Annabelle off by heart just yet - I know that Pete Free was saying it's a plant that visitors to Lytes C often ask about... Surely there have to be some gardening columns that cater for the more general reader who doesn't know everything, and for whom nice simple stuff is where they want to be?

The EG might like to note that at present s/he does not have to say goodbye to Cheeky Cleve, as he appears every week, Pavord-independent. I was inspired to look up the thing about ladybirds on the indy website. It's so cute! How come the EG didn't mention that? Cleve is so good he is like the St Francis of the allotments.

And finally to Sunday's papers: I feel the EG doesn't really have to do any more now, surely that's enough for one week, poor thing is exhausted, have another glass of wine and why not just skip Sunday right out?

Honestly, we realllllllyyyyy don't mind at all! Oh no, no particular reason....

A SLIGHTLY HOMEMADE CHRISTMAS PUDDING GARDENERS WORLD

2008-11-28T12:41:00.001Z

Hurray! It's the end of Friday night GW as we know it, and consequently I saw fit to celebrate by arranging the return of everybody's* favourite substitute gardening feature.

As some of you who are jolly well-organised may know, it's Stir Up Sunday time, and just the right moment to go to Waitrose and get in one of those special panicky rages when you realise someone else just took the last packet of Atora. Happy days.

Anyway, if you have actually managed to lay your hands on a packet, of which you will only ever utilise a tiny fraction leaving the rest to moulder on the kitchen shelf till this time next year, take note from their website that those with a surfeit of allotment spinach in '09 could try also rustling up a "green pudding". Sounds healthy. And disgusting.

(On a sidenote, I never would have believed that a Frenchman invented suet - I thought it was one of those products you just couldn't buy there. We need Fat Rascal for testimony purposes here. Or maybe we could ask Olives and Artichokes, currently doing a very nice version of winter in the South of France.)

And if you are actually hoping to pick some early manifestations of Christmas spirit I have to say my advice would be to head to Colleen's where she is cleaning out her recipe book cupboard, making cakes, walking along beaches and generally just being very seasonal. It makes me actually feel calmer just to read her blog. And stir up, everyone, richly bearing the fruit of good works!

*Um, well, one person.

WHAT TO GET A SAMURAI FOR CHRISTMAS

2008-11-28T12:40:00.000Z

Why hello there, and top of the morning to ye. Samurai blogger Frank Ronin here again.

In this particular warrior household, we have some special Christmas traditions I'd like to share with you. As you might know from my recent piece on the RHS I can get pretty angry on occasion. And of course, you'd be unwise to wind up a man who can slice a tree trunk into veneer in under forty-five seconds. That's why it's probably a fine idea to listen when I give you advice about what to get me for Christmas. I'm just not very good at hiding my anger, you know!

So anyway what us samurai gardeners are after is not wilty old plants, but really, more tools: such as hatchets, slashing blades and that old trusty favourite the samurai sword. I have six different samurai swords and I love them all; you can see a picture of me posing with a couple of them at the top of this article. Although one of them did get lost a couple of winters ago and hasn't been seen since. (You'd think it would be pretty difficult to lose a samurai sword. But no! Actually I do wonder what that one got to. Haven't seen it since the Award-Winning James Alexander-Sinclair came round and started challenging me to a fencing competition. I wonder if he nicked it. He does look like the type.)

My advice if you want to see gleaming smiles coming from your very own samurai this Christmas, is to hold off on the novelty gardening trugs, and instead go for anything which can't legally be sold to the under-18s. (And I don't mean saucy videos! Or solvent-based glue actually, either.)

Yours now,

Frank

WORMCOUNT

2008-11-28T12:38:00.001Z

The Natural History Museum is going to have us celebrating Darwin year by pouring mustard down holes so we can count the number of earthworms that pop up to complain.

Roll on March.

SPROUTBURST

2008-11-28T12:36:00.002Z

Normally when we hear people whingeing on about how they are 'hardline Brussels sceptics', what they mean is that they hate the European Union and its cheese-eating, marmalade-standardising ways. This time of year, though, all the sprout haters come out of their moaney bland-vegetables-only woodwork and start going on about how they can't stand this top-class brassica.

Okay: firstly, you don't have to eat them! No one said you had to eat them! You're a grown-up now! You can just choose not to!

Secondly, what, are our great British vegetables too good for you? Would you rather be nibbling on flea-bitten pak choi? Or so-called "heritage" communist tomatoes? You rummy pinko, what did we fight the war for?

Thirdly, that just means there's more for us! HA HA HA. And how can you resist when they look as good as Simon's?

Thanks now,

Matthew Sproutleby

I'M A CELEBRITY GARDENER, LET ME GET IN THERE

2008-11-28T12:34:00.001Z

So Trebah Gardens, one of the coolest in Cornwall, just started clearing back some undergrowth and were amazed to find a whole jungley hillside they never knew about.

They "discovered", according to the Telegraph, some "Chusan and Cordyline Palm Trees".

Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there.

How did this get past the news desk? Why didn't the hardened journalists laugh their heads off and say, "sorry love, we've got literally millions of those in Chiswick"?

"It's like something out of a child's fiction," said the head gardener. Um, yes, you are correct, it does sound like something made-up by a five year old.

MISS MAPLE INVESTIGATES

2008-11-28T12:32:00.001Z

Dear Reader,

After my successful tying up of all the loose ends in the Berryfields case (Oh, did I forget to tell you? Chris Beardshaw did it) I find I am now commissioned with a new purpose.

A new anonymous letter-writer has ventured amongst us in St Midsomer de Blogueville, this time using one of those new-fangled formats to deliver their missives.

All around are people asking "Who is this is 'Executive Gardener' who doesn't dig and who doesn't even have a garden?". "Next you will be telling me," they say, "that this EG planted a load of alliums on their balcony last year and they never came up."

I would never do such a thing.

We possess only three true clues to this person's identity. I think all that stuff about the spade is, frankly, huffing and puffing. To my mind, I think we only need to know three things:

1) their favourite drink is a skinny latte

2) their favourite book is Rebecca

3) their favourite film is The Hours

That, my dear friends, is undoubtedly a girl. Only girls would qualify on all those counts at once.

Unless of course it's a very clever man, saying all the things he knows a girl would say. Oh dear, oh dear, now I am a little confused. It does remind me of the time that the Butler at the Old Hall entered for the Tombola at the village fete. Of course, he didn't know that Mrs Jenkins was determined to win it. Oh dear, oh dear, what things can go on in little villages.

Yours as ever,

Miss Maple

xxx

WEEKEND WEATHER REPORT

2008-11-28T12:31:00.001Z

My boyfriend William has thoughtfully forwarded the min/max temperatures as reported by the BBC website. I'm sure we are all, as usual, very grateful for the BBC weather website's always stunning attention to meteorological correctness.

Have a nice weekend!

HAVE A COW!

2008-11-27T09:11:00.001Z

There is a great article about what owning a cow can do for your spiritual health in Slate this morning. Check it out.

COWPLOUGHIN'

2008-11-24T18:57:00.007Z

I have just experienced a profound insight into the human condition. I have realised that I am actually way too lazy to dig my entire allotment.

You may say "that's not the spirit that built the Empire, where would be today if total layabouts like you were in charge, instead of hearty dig -for-Britain types like Joseph Swift Gor Bless 'im?".

But that is incorrect. For it was of course specifically laziness that drove Bronze Age Person to invent the plough. That way, they'd have more time for chilling out watching shadows on the cave wall / telling stories about the good old hunter-gatherer days before they settled down to cave-dwelling life and became all middle-aged and boring. So in fact laziness is actually a virtue in terms of improving life for us all. If you just look at it my way.

Anyway I've been looking on the internet to see what is the smallest possible creatures I could plough with. Obviously Clydesdales are out on the old allotment, but what about these Dexters, whose photo I just nicked from the Dexter Soc website? (Don't tell my auntie she is like the treasurer or something.)

Or maybe teeeny weeny ponies?

GARDEN AWARDS KERFUFFLE MIXUP STOP PRESS

2008-11-20T20:52:00.004Z

Coming to you live and direct from the Garden Media Guild Awards in London this evening, we are delighted to report that James Alexander-Sinclair finally got an award to call his own after literally decades of complaining that he wasn't getting enough attention, after the Guild specially and secretly created a new "Digital Blog" award just for him.*

Well not quite just for him. But anyway.

However celebrations soon turned to shenanigans as the identity of one of the other shortlisted blog came into question. Whilst Jane Perrone's Horticultural was rightly given plaudits for long service and entertaining debates on how to kill weeds with Coca-Cola, when the name "Gardeners World blog" flashed up in the arena to be applauded by literally thousands of exciteable blog fans, it soon became clear that no one actually knew WHICH Gardeners World blog they meant.

Blog editors Camilla at one end of the room and Abbie at the other both primed themselves for a scuffle. And in fact we believe here at Baklava Shed that the award was in fact really intended for our very own Slightly Homemade Gardeners World.

We have therefore demanded an immediate recount, as we suspect the judges of having fixed the results simply because our middle-class hoity-toity veg are too posh for them. We hypothesise that flea-bitten pak choi phobia may have led them to blacklist Slightly Homemade Gardeners World, thus stymying our chances of ever claiming our crown as the "true" Gardeners World website. We'll get them back though! We are going to take our revenge in the best way we know how: by just having really, really good punctuation.

*And they gave him £250 nicker!

WATCHING AND WAKEFUL

2008-11-19T20:40:00.008Z

Is it bad to be blogging about stuff that isn't much to do with gardening? Partly because in my case there hasn't actually been much gardening to do: those of you with large numbers of clematis to tidy etc may have been busy but I have just been enjoying a bit of a winter break and a chance to get stuck into some really concerted writing efforts. However even my idea of hard work looks paltry compared to the ridiculous work rate of one Johann Sebastian Bach.

For those who don't know, besides all the famous Passions and concertos that we love by Bach, the great man also wrote sets of church music for orchestra and choir called 'cantatas', one for each Sunday of the liturgical year. He set appropriate texts and wrote exquisite music. But here's the amazing thing: he didn't just do this once. He did it almost three times!

But when today I went to look for the right cantata for this weekend in the Lutheran calendar, I found something funny. Remember how early Easter was this year? And have you also noticed how many Sundays there are this November? Well basically in most liturgical years the church would only make it to 24th Sunday after Trinity before Advent would come around. Or perhaps 25th at a push. This year, though, we are on 26th! And next weekend will be 27th!

So obviously in most normal years you would never get to 26, let alone 27. So quite wisely, Bach only composed one set of cantatas for the 26th and 27th Sundays. He may have been a hard worker, but he wasn't going to go over the top.

But for those interested, next weekend's is "Watch! Pray! Pray! Watch!" BWV70 (which has loads of trumpets and is lovely and Crimbley); and the 30th's is "Wake up, cries the watchman's voice", BWV 140. Waiting and watchful seems like a good description of what we have to be in the garden this time of year. So maybe my post was a little bit more to do with gardening than I thought.

STUPID TURKEYS

2008-11-17T11:08:00.001Z

"Wild Turkeys in Paradise"

Just down the slope from my own deck,
two apple trees I planted years ago,
now fully grown, stretch out their arms
as if they were enjoying the late warmth
of the November sun.
They bore so many apples that
I let them ripen unplucked on the branch
and fall, according to the rhythm of the year.
Such bounty piled up on the ground
the grazing deer could not
consume them as they rotted and turned brown,
and I could smell their pungency
when the wind blew from the east
until the first snow came and covered them.
Last Sunday, strutting stupid from the woods -- as if
no hunters stalked Vermont --
six turkeys gathered by the trees,
bobbing their jowly heads beneath the snow
to slurp the apple nectar, so fermented that
just twenty minutes later
they were reeling, and their eyes
blazed with amazing knowledge that transported them,
within their bodies, into paradise.
Despite their drunkness,
despite the ice that kept them shifting one foot
to the frozen next,
they kept their balance in a dance
of bumping lightly up against each other,
circling, brushing wings, and then --
as if their inner music paused --
they'd dip their heads back underneath the snow
and lift them up so high
their necks stretched out to twice their length
to let the trickling juice prolong their ecstacy.
And thus unfolds a moral tale:
To be plain stupid is
to be divinely blessed, and lacking that
transcendent gift, an animal as advanced as I
requires a holiday
to cultivate stupidity, to choose
one Sunday morning to know
nothing of ongoing hunger but
my body trembling in the sun,
drunk on itself, so that right here on earth,
right now, I tasted paradise --
as, so to speak, in talking turkey, I now do.
My pilgrim mind has taken flight
and then returned to join
my body stomping in the snow; and so
I raise a toast to say:
I give thanks in behalf of six dazed, drunken birds
that grace the icy view
beneath my apple trees today!

--Robert Pack

STUPID CAT, NICE DOGGIE

2008-11-15T15:17:00.002Z

cat n box

But this article about Obama's possible puppy choice restores your faith in humanity, no? Or check out this nice doggie cartoon from the Washington Post.

LESSON ONE: ANCIENT HISTORY

2008-11-14T11:43:00.003Z

My Dearest Americans,

I don't want to seem like a nag, but I am concerned that you are missing out on what could be your most rewarding gardening experience ever by failing to reply to our once-in-a-lifetime offer of lessons in English Gardening. So I've decided to send you Lesson One completely free of charge - yes - completely gratis - to show exactly what you will be missing.

With kind regards,
Dulcibella

ANCIENT HISTORY
Most historians agree that English gardening was invented back in the middle ages by St Rosemary Verey of Cirencester. She is still worshipped at the site of her famous laburnum arch, said to be the site of many miracles and conversions.

However, as is so often the case, a breakaway contingent questioned the articles of faith put forward by Saint Rosemary, including the juxtaposition of bright blue and yellow, and the transubstantiation of alliums. Most particularly they put much greater emphasis on the meaningful presence in the garden of the tender tropicals, a heretical tendency which the mainstream thought had been happily stamped out since the Council of Tintinhull, 1948.

(breakaway turncoat rebel leader Christopher "naughty" Lloyd)

Eventually the breakaway contingent had enough adherents to form a substantial congregation in its own right. This event became known as the “Northiam Schism”.

Essay title for this week:
“In St Daniel Pearson’s work, we see the possibility of reconciliation between the schismatic tendencies for the first time since the dawn of horticulture.”
To what extent is it possible to agree with this tendentious statement?

Please post your notes, queries and essays here for further attention by the Dixter College faculty.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM DULCIBELLA

2008-11-13T10:08:00.002Z

Dixter College, Oxford, November 2008

Dear American/ Welsh reader

Being from the New World, you probably stand outside the horticultural paradise that is our green and pleasant land - this royal throne of Titchmarsh, this sceptred isle, this England - like a small child rubbing your greasy nose up against the window of a cake shop.

But do not fear, gentle reader: I am here to guide you through the alleys and byways of the English horticultural scene, providing you with all you need to understand the admittedly sometimes arcane language and customs of our gardening culture: enabling you in just six short weeks to graduate proudly from Dixter College, Oxford summa cum laude with the title Master Gardener UK (certificate, gown and sweatshirts now on sale from the university online shop).

Using the combined power of English gardening’s finest minds, we have devised a multi-media introduction for you across many blog platforms, utilising the latest RSS technology. For just $199 in five easy instalments, we can offer you a unique insight into the world of the English garden – making you the envy of all your friends!

Sign up now for your first lesson – and wishing you great success in your studies,

Dulcibella Ffforsten-Hyde
Principal
Dixter College, OXONIENSIS

MARTINMAS, JOHN CLARE

2008-11-11T22:34:00.001Z

MARTINMAS.
Written by John Clare November 11th 1841.

Tis Martinmas from rig to rig
Ploughed fields and meadow lands are blea
In hedge and field each restless twig
Is dancing on the naked tree
Flags in the dykes are bleached and brown
Docks by its side are dry and dead
All but the ivy - boughs are brown
Upon each leaning dotterel's head

Crimsoned with awes the awthorns bend
O'er meadow - dykes and rising floods
The wild geese seek the reedy fen
And dark the storm comes o'er the woods
The crowds of lapwings load the air
With buzes of a thousand wings
There flocks of starnels too repair
When morning o'er the valley springs

Rig: ridge
blea: bleak
flags: reeds
dykes: ditches
docks: weeds(cf.burdocks)
dotterel: pollard tree
awes: hawes
awthorns: hawthorns
starnels: starlings.

GARDENERS CHRISTMASTIME, MISTLETOE AND TWINE

2008-11-10T17:06:00.012Z

So the season is upon once more, where we look mournfully through Sarah Raven's Christmas book and wish we'd started preparing earlier. The Narcissi Paperwhites remain in their bags comme toujours, and in what seems like a flash, it will be too late to order presents from anywhere except Amazon. Sigh, what a lovely time it is.

I spent a few happy minutes the other day perusing what they were chucking out half price at B&Q, though, and came up with some fab ideas for credit-crunch-appropriate presents for all my gardening friends. (Don't you love it when journalists do this? Its like, you've just given away what you're buying your wife! Don't you think she or anyone she knows might read this paper?)

Firstly I spotted these great little novelty Bills and Bens, that's for Arabella Sock, as I know how much she loves that kind of thing. Plus I'm sure she'll be able to put some funny faces on them and make an entertainment both beauteous and tasteful for all of us here in in blogoland.

Next I was looking for something for Garden Monkey, and eventually I trumped even myself with this absolutely gorgeous Solar Fairy light. But it's not like some crappy old candle thing! It's a real light shaped like a fairy! Praying!* I think maybe American & Dutch readers of this blog should just stop reading now as I imagine they are probably feeling pretty jealous, and the feeling is only going to get worse as this featurette progresses.

*it's also hand-painted! By Chinese orphans!

The next relatively unique gift I was able to ferret from the depths of the B&Q gift bag is this fantastic Power Rock. I'm giving this to James, for he is the Rock upon which our blogsphere is founded. It looks just like a rock, but actually it's a plug socket into which you can plug all kinds of noise-making devices for the garden. (Perhaps a leaf-blower, hedge-trimmer, or even that natty i-phone James is always bragging about!) How much more could you actually want, nay receive, in a gift?

There's two more special people who deserve a christmas gift from the Baklava. (Actually, there are three, because there's also Alex, but unfortunately shed-related gifts were at a surprising ebb during my visit and I'll have to get something for him another day.)

In the meantime, I bought this probably very ecological spaghnum moss for Britain's Greenest Horticultural Sexpot, Matthew Wilson : there you go Mateus, you don't have to have dull old plantings to be green...

and this for VP, because I've seen inside her car!

(Er, casteth not the mote from the eye of your neighbour, etc. Ed.)

Well anyway, there we go, I think I've got all those presents pretty much sorted! Phew, now I can sit down with a nice mince pie and relax.

Although I am still on the lookout for a) a little froggie sitting on a lily pad, fishing with a fishing rod, for Victoria's pond, and b) a lovely little calendar of probably something like "the Funny Things Dogs Say" for Yolanda.

I GOT NO BRAINS TO WRITE NO MO'

2008-11-06T15:20:00.007Z

I was intrigued to see that Garden Monkey had signed up to Sarah Salway's November writing program. There is marathon writing in the air during November with National Novel Writing Month now also under way, as well as NaBloPoMo which I think is about committing to blogging daily for a month.

I have started NaNoWriMo three years in a row now and every year I just lose steam and stop. This year I am determined in a steely, Obama-type way, to get to the end. The purpose of the exercise is to get to 50,000 words, but I think secretly I'd happily just get to "The End", as in, something where the story reaches some sort of resolution.

The two people I've tried to explain it to so far have both responded "So you write just like what, whatever? It doesn't have to be any good?" Yes, my friends, exactly. The purpose of the exercise is to get you to stop being so critical about your own writing and just get on with doing it. So far I'm doing okay.

Anyway there we go. Another project sapping my good blogging energies, not to mention the common cold, the book proposals and the new asparagus beds. Sheeeeesshshh.

But listen - as I know there are a few readers of this blog who a) like writing and b) do sometimes maybe a teeny weeny bit put it off, you have to try a Berilliant discovery I have made from fellow NaNoWriMo-ers. It's Doctor Wicked's Writing Lab. If you stop writing for too long... it will punish you... Click here to see how...

BUNNY BUSINESS

2008-11-03T15:16:00.002Z

After so many years of being pretty much a gardening guru to you all, I've decided to set down my idea of eleven ways that you can become a better gardener, so you can become like maybe a bit more like me. (This has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that mine and your favourite gardening work-out expert Bunny Guinness is in the Telegraph today telling us Twenty Ways to Be a Better Gardener. She copied me and I am in fact sueing her later.)

1. Don't leave the bulbs in the packet again.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you! Naughty, naughty.

2. Actually go and put all that garden waste on the compost heap.

Honestly, having a big pile of stagnating stuff in your kitchen is, apart from anything else, disgusting.

3. Go to other lovely gardens to see how they do it.

Remember to take the handbag-sized secateurs with you, though, ha ha.

4. When choosing a hedge, choose something really thorny so that the neighbours get eye injuries if they try to be nosy.

Serve them right, frankly.

5. If you see a big pile of honey fungus growing in your front garden, don't just leave it, dig it up there and then.

Rotten honey fungus is really yurck. It looks like the devil's nose mucus.

6. The Wisteria.

Look if I've told you once, I've told you a million times: it won't flower if you don't prune it. It's not rocket science!

7. If there's nature living in your garden, get rid of it!

Oooh, nasty, spiders give me the shivers. Pour some boiling water on it, I learnt that trick from my cousin who is president of Uzbehkistan.

8. If you don't have room in your potager for all the vegetables you want to grow, take over the garden of one of the staff.

This is a simple trick I learned from my aunt (god rest her soul). Simply write a letter giving the member of staff notice, and then within the month take over their garden, for increased vegetable-growing capacity without pain.

9. A lack of colour in the winter garden is easily remedied.

Send out a plant-collecting expedition to the Himalayas or China where they have many plants highly suitable to growing in English climates, but with lovely colours. And if you fund the expedition, you will have the commercial rights to exploit everything they discover!

10. Feeling cold? Do some star jumps!

It's easy to feel a bit chilly in the garden in winter, but there's no better cure for that than doing a few star jumps. As long as you make sure you have good posture before starting and warm up and cool-down properly. See my former close friend Bunny's book for details.

11. If you see weasels, shoot them.

That's what my father used to say anyway.

That's all for now. Bye!

THE TRUE BEAUTY OF SISTERLY LOVE

2008-10-31T11:49:00.001Z

In more irrelevant news passing through the Baklava front desk this morning, some hedge-funded ladies reveal just how they balance up monetary concerns with deeper more long-lasting values like family.

"She COPIED ME!": I seem to remember last having that argument with my sister, hmmm, when I was about seven. Luckily the American courts saw fit to try this case as a serious legal matter, rather than yelling "Well you can both go to your room until you sort this out, because I'm sick of both of you."

GARDEN MONKEY HAS ONE OF THESE FOR PETER SEABROOK

2008-10-29T19:02:00.001Z

I know this isn't about gardening, but it's the best piece of scientific research I've read about ALL year!

THE WAY OF THE SWORD

2008-10-28T17:15:00.005Z

Introducing Celebrity Samurai Guest Blogger, Frank Ronin

Why hello regular Baklava readers, I'm going to be standing in for a few days as Emma is a little bit too can't-be-arsed.

Sometimes I find myself standing, silent, in the garden, I do, saying to myself "Frank, what on earth is that swishing noise?". Turns out of course it's the sound of a samurai sword, gently, tumblingly, making its way through the artichoke patch.

Gardeners often talk about their preference for certain tools, but I can assure you a samurai sword is like having Felcos, long-handled pruners and a Flymo rolled into one. There's simply no substitute.

But it's not easy to learn to use the samurai sword in the garden. It's a subtle weapon, and must be used with great thought. Mastering it means applying yourself to the ultimate discipline: the way of the warrior. You must transcend your own limitations. Only then is the circle completed.

I probably most of all recommend it this time of year for a spot of hacking back the yew hedge. This is a job which must be done, of course, as autumn presses ever onward. I can also use it skilfully to carve a suitable tulip-sized hole, then toss a bulb in from the clever Japanese-style storage on my back, obviating the need to bend down.

And if anyone's gardening opinions ever really annoy me, I can just hack them to bits and bury them under a new patio or other outdoor seating area. Say, if someone were to repeatedly go on, and on, and on about how much they didn't understand why anyone read my column? Oopsidaisy, swish slash and there you go.

Anyway I'll be back again soon with more of my winsome gardening thoughts. Ta-ra!

BO DIDDLEY WAS A PUPSLINGER

2008-10-23T16:41:00.006+01:00

Bit mournful here as my grandma's brother died in hospital overnight. He was 93, very jolly, and will be sadly missed.

But here's one to cheer almost everyone up. Remember the pups? Yup this is the one my mum and my brother kept, in his latest portrait, by mon frère Joe T.

He's called Cash after Johnny. They now have Cash and Bo, so my god she can start herself a Mississippi spaniel blues band in a minute.

BED HEAD

2008-10-21T17:20:00.002+01:00

Our much-beloved leader in bloggage, Sir James Alexander-Sinclair, has distinguished himself today by posting pictures of his first window box to the BBC GW site. I don't know why he would throw himself into the eye of the storm in this way as I am convinced he will now receive two hundred (at least) mean emails going on about his winter pansies. Well, I've definitely written one.

He also reveals his early love of nasturtiums. In fact he's posted a whole set of his nasturtium photos to Flickr for us to peruse in more detail. Now not many people go on about nasturtiums, but I agree with the Hat: they are the best. Scorching colour and such beautiful leaves that mostly I don't even care when they get a bit soggy and don't flower. They go in my salads in summer, but even just post-prandially that orangey tang along the edge of a flowerbed will always make me happy.

However my most important finding after ten minutes on James' Flickr is that I LOVE CORRUGATED IRON PAINTED WHITE. I just got emailed by a publisher today about a book about corrugated iron and I said I wasn't interested. WHAT AN IDIOT! IT'S AMAZING!

Put me down for ten sheets and a tin of quick dry primer, will you?

HERE KITTY KITTY

2008-10-10T14:04:00.004+01:00

As some of you may know, I don't have a cat of my own. But here, pleasant readers, is my tribute to my very special relationship with the cat who lives just next door to me:

My neighbour’s freaky cat
My neighbour’s freaky cat
He looks about a hundred years old
His coat is warm but his gaze is cold
My neighbour’s evil cat

My neighbour’s evil cat
My neighbour’s evil cat
His miaow sounds like an old man's spit
He can actually sh*t inside my bag of grit
My neighbour’s devious cat

My neighbour’s devious cat
My neighbour’s devious cat
He looks at you with an evil eye
He bullies other cats till they won’t go outside
My neighbour’s frigging cat

My neighbour's frigging cat

my neighbour's frigging cat

He likes to sit in the windowbox

I hope he gets mange or some other pox

my neighbour's top dog cat

My neighbour’s top dog cat
My neighbour’s top dog cat
he eats up birds and frogs and has fleas

he's very, very Siamese
My neighbour’s devious, freaky, evil, totally horrible cat.

i hope you enjoyed my contribution to Happy Mouffetard's special LAPCPADPOUB day.

BUT I DO RESPECT YOUR FLORA, DARLING

2008-10-08T18:53:00.007+01:00

So they fiiinnnnaaallllyyy fixed the broadband!

However circumstances being what they have been this week, it was hardly uppermost in my mind. My emails with other garden bloggers have not generally tended to concern financial matters, but in the last few days it's been difficult not to fret at least a bit to friends.

Anyway, especially given la crise financière, I was sorting through my photos trying to find one that would make y'all smile.

This is from the week I spent in France in mid-September. I meant to go to all the Niçoise gardens like La Mortola and was of course much too lazy. (Feel free to tell me I made a terrible mistake.)

But we found this sign on an evening coastal walk around the Cap D'Antibes. And can I just say to the French, who had more Agaves in bloom than I've ever seen anywhere else: I do respect your coastal flora, I really do.

We were also terribly, terribly nosy and had to have a quick peep over the wall at Roman Abramovich's. I don't know whether he was in or not, but what I can tell you: he has absolutely TO-DIE-FOR garden lighting. Really.

For a moment in the spirit of James, I am listening to a lovely Bach cantata, number 93.

STATUS UPDATE

2008-09-27T08:53:00.000+01:00

If you are wondering about the lack of posts here: my broadband is not working. I have been on the phone repeatedly to 3, who supply it, and they claim to be doing some sort of technical upgrade for my benefit which means things getting worse before they get better.

In practice it means I have to log on six or seven times before I get a connection, and it generally only lasts a few minutes. This is enough to read or quickly comment, but not enough to upload photos or write carefully considered blogs posts!

Until it's fixed I just can't be bothered as I have already lost big long posts and emails that I hadn't saved.

Lots of love to all

xxx

PS It broke in the middle of me writing this too!

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE BAILIFFS AWAY

2008-09-12T18:02:00.012+01:00

What a nice thought.

Argh what a week it's been. I been all over the shop. It all kicked off with a seven-hour early morning writing marathon on Monday because I'd been putting off finishing a piece about Procrastination to run in the Independent (ha ha).

I really like writing about non-gardening stuff as it makes me feel like I have more strings to my bow, ahem. No, it was good fun ringing up life coaches and saying "how in god's NAME can I motivate myself to be better at working and less attentive to mucking about on the internet?". Anyway their advice must have worked as Baklava has been neglected all week in favour of the commercially-viable.

Then just as I finished Procrastination the Times emailed and asked for a 1000-word piece I owed them about Alain de Botton's new School of Life, so then I had to finish that. And then I drafted four 400-word pieces for the next month's columns.

On Tuesday I ate two plums. No I didn't really. I wrote my regular column for the paper and then nipped off to Gravetye Manor in Sussex for lunch with Richard Bisgrove who's just written a really gorgeous, gorgeous new biography of William Robinson. He took us round the autumn garden in the rain talking to us about Robinson and why he was so unique. The book is a wonderful record of all Victorian gardening, not just WR - lots in about carpet bedding which Robinson loathed and campaigned vociferously against. If you like all that Gertrude Jekyll stuff, have a look at the book (they have it at Inner Temple actually on the RHS bookstall). Or treat yourself to afternoon tea at the place itself- I think it must Arabella's local.

On Wednesday I got up and read through loads of stuff about Darwin for a meeting, then took a group of volunteers who work at the Ashmolean round Kew for an hour and a half. They told me (I was really shocked) that the Ashmolean is having a big redevelopment (I did know that bit) and closes in January for a whole year. So check out your favourite painting now before it goes into storage.

Then I went for a meeting with Kew magazine about how to celebrate Darwin's 200th birthday next spring. Very interesting - I've been given carte blanche to rootle around in the archives hunting out Darwin-Kew connections. And they are going to pay me. Life doesn't get much better than that, as far as I'm concerned.

Corsican Pine at Kew

On Thursday I spent absolutely hours tracking down people for a piece on "Behind the Scenes at Kew's Tropical Extravaganza", as the Orchid Festival has been renamed. It's not till February, but glossy mags have such long lead times... And writing up a book proposal that someone had come back to me on sounding reasonably interested but in a big hurry. This meant I was very late leaving my house to get to the Inner Temple.

But by incredible good fortune, just as I arrived, VP was leaving! And she took pity on me and wandered round with me for about another 45 minutes which was very kind as I'm sure that's the difference between a seat on the way home and not. Here is a lady, laughing her head off remembering a three-way email chat we had the night before with Garden Monkey.

And sorry, but I actually liked Alex James's balcony the best, even though I think he is a cheese-eating cocaine bender monkey.

We admired the borders for absolutely ages, drinking in all Andrea's fantastic colour combinations. It's so amazing to see real, soil-based planting at a flower show - god, a delight. Anyway here is another shot of that Persicaria James has gone all gay for - this time with bright red Ricinus balls.

After VP went, I went to dinner in the Hall of the Inner Temple with a wonderful bunch of judges and gardeners: Ursula Buchan, Andrew Lawson and Jerry Harpur were on my table. Presiding as hostess was Kathy Brown, who is about to appear on the channel 5 thing whose name I'm unable to remember. I can't wait to see her segment.

And then today I've written all my bloggage for next week, carried on working on the book proposal, looked over some design ideas for that, spent ages catching up on email, chased some Tropical Extravaganza stuff, and I'm about to go for a pizza with my friend Jo.

So if anyone even thinks "why have you been so crap about blogging this week" that's why. And, anyway: shouldn't you be watching Toby Buckland??

But finally, one last picture going out to all my heuchera mommas. The show was left open for the lawyers to look around, but most of the exhibitors had gone (they trusted lawyers?). This is the Heuchera sweetie shop, completely unattended. A little fantasy snap for ma homies.

DOGS ARE DRINKING IN THEIR NOSES

2008-09-04T15:12:00.003+01:00

Forget moping about Darce taking himself off the market permanently and check out this great site, which we could have done with at the beginning of the summer, frankly, here in cosmopolitan Ealing. Now I am in full possession of this document I will finally be able to speak about the incessant rain to all my neighbours, including the Polish family who've just moved in over the fence from my allotment (Leje zabami jak z cebra), the Greeks who live on the corner (Brekhei kareklopodara), and the nice Hindi man who runs the internet cafe (Bāriś bahut ho rahi hai).

Self-evidently, though, the person I can't wait to see is my friend Emma Lundin who speaks Norwegian.

YO-HO-HO IT'S A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME

2008-09-03T17:29:00.007+01:00

Leaked reports about the imminent Mazzer "Harbinger of Drool" Wilson nuptials continue to trickle into the Baklava News Desk, encouraged by a steady flow of pieces of eight out again.

We have been able to confirm from a close friend of the happy couple that the Wilson party have booked out the entire Magic Kingdom's Pirates of the Caribbean attraction for a lavish buccaneer-themed wedding estimated to be costing an astronomical $1.75 million dollars, all of which will be recouped under a hefty deal for the photo rights.

After a tug-of-love rights fight for the snaps erupted between top gardening titles Gardens Illustrated and The English Garden, contracts were signed this afternoon that left GI editor Juliet Roberts with a big smile upon her face. A spokesperson for The English Garden said "Obviously, we're gutted, but we just couldn't go as high in the bidding as GI can. We're hoping to have some snaps of Peter Seabrook with his verbena that week, though."

Now the only question remaining is where the Heathcliff of the Hedgerows will spend his last night as a single man. Betty's Café Tea Rooms in Yorkshire are now the focus of world media attention, but the maître d'hôte there was keeping schtum, saying only: "I can confirm only that we have received a booking for a stag party on that night, but I couldn't possibly say who the groom in question is."

However disgruntled former employee Helen Green was prepared to say more: "They've had some very peculiar requests for the stag do. All the food is to be served upon rotten oaken platters, and we've been told there will be antler fighting later on in the evening. It all sounds really weird and actually I'm glad I got the sack for eating too many Fat Rascals on the job." Yet perhaps not quite so peculiar after all.