YO-HO-HO IT'S A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME

Leaked reports about the imminent Mazzer "Harbinger of Drool" Wilson nuptials continue to trickle into the Baklava News Desk, encouraged by a steady flow of pieces of eight out again. 

We have been able to confirm from a close friend of the happy couple that the Wilson party have booked out the entire Magic Kingdom's Pirates of the Caribbean attraction for a lavish buccaneer-themed wedding estimated to be costing an astronomical $1.75 million dollars, all of which will be recouped under a hefty deal for the photo rights. 

After a tug-of-love rights fight for the snaps erupted between top gardening titles Gardens Illustrated and The English Garden, contracts were signed this afternoon that left GI editor Juliet Roberts with a big smile upon her face. A spokesperson for The English Garden said "Obviously, we're gutted, but we just couldn't go as high in the bidding as GI can. We're hoping to have some snaps of Peter Seabrook with his verbena that week, though."

Now the only question remaining is where the Heathcliff of the Hedgerows will spend his last night as a single man. Betty's Café Tea Rooms in Yorkshire are now the focus of world media attention, but the maître d'hôte there was keeping schtum, saying only: "I can confirm only that we have received a booking for a stag party on that night, but I couldn't possibly say who the groom in question is." 

However disgruntled former employee Helen Green was prepared to say more: "They've had some very peculiar requests for the stag do. All the food is to be served upon rotten oaken platters, and we've been told there will be antler fighting later on in the evening. It all sounds really weird and actually I'm glad I got the sack for eating too many Fat Rascals on the job." Yet perhaps not quite so peculiar after all. 

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