Wednesday, 3 September 2008


Leaked reports about the imminent Mazzer "Harbinger of Drool" Wilson nuptials continue to trickle into the Baklava News Desk, encouraged by a steady flow of pieces of eight out again. 

We have been able to confirm from a close friend of the happy couple that the Wilson party have booked out the entire Magic Kingdom's Pirates of the Caribbean attraction for a lavish buccaneer-themed wedding estimated to be costing an astronomical $1.75 million dollars, all of which will be recouped under a hefty deal for the photo rights. 

After a tug-of-love rights fight for the snaps erupted between top gardening titles Gardens Illustrated and The English Garden, contracts were signed this afternoon that left GI editor Juliet Roberts with a big smile upon her face. A spokesperson for The English Garden said "Obviously, we're gutted, but we just couldn't go as high in the bidding as GI can. We're hoping to have some snaps of Peter Seabrook with his verbena that week, though."

Now the only question remaining is where the Heathcliff of the Hedgerows will spend his last night as a single man. Betty's Café Tea Rooms in Yorkshire are now the focus of world media attention, but the maître d'hôte there was keeping schtum, saying only: "I can confirm only that we have received a booking for a stag party on that night, but I couldn't possibly say who the groom in question is." 

However disgruntled former employee Helen Green was prepared to say more: "They've had some very peculiar requests for the stag do. All the food is to be served upon rotten oaken platters, and we've been told there will be antler fighting later on in the evening. It all sounds really weird and actually I'm glad I got the sack for eating too many Fat Rascals on the job." Yet perhaps not quite so peculiar after all. 



VP said...

Emma you're a naughty, naughty girl :D

Lots of chuckles over at VP Gardens...

The Black Finger Nail said...

Amateur Gardening will no doubt be on the ball on this and "exclusively" running a column "based upon previously published photos" of an earlier set of nuptials....possibly Arthur Billit's.

Meanwhile Horti Weekly will just subsume in an enorrrrmous vat of cider and not give a toss until at least 2010.

It's me, Cathy said...

Is this true?
That we will no longer wuther
through the heights..
He loves another?

Cruel Heathcliff my one dream
My only master
Next time send bad news by text
You'll find it's faster

emmat said...

yeah but cheer up the Winter Flying Gardener is on cable

emmat said...

just had to google arthur billit and look at where i found him

aspidistra said...

Is it reeelly reeelly trooo that he's getting married, Emma? Having been rather offline of late, a bit out of touch, so googled Matthew Wilson marriage and Amazon came up with a wedding list which included a fiskars power lever 10inch hedge shears and a weber 7535 stainless steel flavorizer bar (wot that?). What ever happened to toasters...admittedly I don't think this is The MW but who knows. We need details, details...

Anonymous said...

This is entirely unrelated in a way, but my sister-in law has just asked everone for Next vouchers for her NEXT marriage!
It gave me a liitle laugh in the middle of all the rain and gloom anyway