Sunday, 26 April 2009

TO ERR IS TO BE HUMAN



















While you are examining this photo I would like you to imagine Also Sprach Zarathustra, the music from 2001, is playing. 

Daaaaaaaa..... 

Daaaaaaaaaa..... 

Daaaaaaaa..... 

Da-dah........

(Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom)

Daaaaaaaa..... 

Daaaaaaa....


Anyway that's enough of that. The reason this strangely phallic shoot has to have such tremendous music is that it is....

MY 
FIRST 
ASPARAGUS 
EVER

(Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, if i was Arabella I could have actually put this music on here, chiz)


Late last year I actually made the mistake of thinking it would be a good idea to create asparagus beds for autumn-planted varieties. 

Forget it, honestly. I spent the whole winter worrying if the roots were still alive, and when Mark Diacono (and others) started to do asparagus reports about three weeks ago I became even more neurotic. 

Eventually this afternoon I went down there and started forking over the soil. Carefully, mind.

But the general feeling of anxiety didn't go until I finally found a couple of little (admittedly-penis-shaped shoots) sticking up above the surface. 

On the autumn-planting front I can say that I have lost about ten plants out of twenty and that even the ten that are still there aren't doing particularly well. 

I actually dug one up on purpose before I found the pictured shoot and the roots haven't really done anything all winter. So my general verdict on autumn planting is, what a load of rubbish. Half the crop dead and the rest only just getting growing, which is where they'd be if I'd planted them last week. 

Sigh. 

Hopefully by 2011 or whenever it is that I am actually allowed to start eating the bloody things the differences will have evened out. 

But anyway, forget all that, because - 2001 music for my amazing shoot! And as for my stoopid autumn planting brainwave... as HAL the psychotic computer likes to say: "It can only be attributable to human error".






23 comments:

VP said...

Congratulations! I bet you can't wait until next year - we'll have to suggest some suitable music for the occasion.

I nearly posted about how phallic they are, but held back. I even deleted the picture I took of them because I'm that shy ;)

emmat said...

Ah you see, you are soooo much classier than me.

I was incensed that on one of the other tiny little shoots, there was already a greenfly. Because the shoot was so tiny, the greenfly looked about the size of a dog.

So I squished it.

emmat said...

ps by next year i am going to get arabella to show me how to make a gif of it

Victoria said...

Well, I am incredibly impressed, if that's any consolation.

emmat said...

don't be impressed. it's definitely not impressive.
;-)

patientgardener said...

Congratulations - veyr impressed to

Martyn Cox said...

What an impressive shoot! Presumably you're going to follow time honoured advice and leave it? Actually, just looking at good ol' Doc Hessayon he is more blunt, 'on no account should these be cut'. However, I don't think I would be able to resist. Just think, this is not just an aspargus spear, this is my first asparagus spear, wrapped in a jus of extra virgin olive oil and the finest Scilian lemons, then srinkled with shavings of parmigiano-reggiano. Funnily enough I saw a filthy old Marks & Spencer lorry last week, where some wag had scrawled on the back 'this is not just dirt, this is M&S dirt'.

Martyn Cox said...

I've got a great idea for a new competition - count the number of spelling mistakes in the comment above. Blimey, I'm so ashamed.

VP said...

Martyn - I think you need to join my campaign for an automated comment spellchecker ;0

Arabella Sock said...

Gifs are incredibly easy - they would have to be for me! I use Beneton Movie Gif which is free. The software is fairly noddy really, you just load your pictures in and set a time for each frame.
The one you can put music to is more fiddly but more fun and that is Windows Movie Maker also free. It is all the downloading and uploading stuff that is problematic.

I was thinking of buying some better stuff and seeing what I can do with it but I have nothing to inspire me at the moment - although if I did have an asparagus as beautiful as yours I would certainly set it to music.

LittleGreenFingers said...

I think this may be the only time I will ever congratulate anyone on their very small phallus.

emmat said...

the M&S thing really made me giggle. VP, are you really campaigning for spell check? I quite like the rubbish comment spelling myself...

Arabella, this is super helpful, look out for my first GIF here soon (possibly featuring some lickle fluffy cats)

Ha ha on the phallus gag too!!

VP said...

No, not really, but my comments are litter strewn with typos ALL THE TIME that I sometimes wish there was one. And then I go and live a comment on Martyn's blog with whole words left out, so I'm a lost cause really.

Perhaps a little bit more care to get the thoughts out of my head might help. Though I've found even reading the stuff before I hit the Publish Your Comment button doesn't help either, so I'm just rubbish ;)

VP said...

See - I put live instead of leave. I was super careful too - sheesh!

emmat said...

i have just discovered that Safari underlines my misspellings in red! What a browser!

emmat said...

Firefox does it too! I just tried. So does that mean it's actually my computer doing it? Does no one else's? (mine's a mac by the way)

HappyMouffetard said...

So much smut from your commenters - I saw the picture and thought that you had buried ET, who was extending his finger to phone home.

colleen said...

Enjoyed the music.

And the sparrowgrass.

MarkD said...

so pleased you've joined the world of small-green-penises...

hurrah

Lucy Corrander said...

If someone had shown me this photo and asked which blog it came from, I would have had to toss up between this one and Kissmyaster. It would have had to be one or the other.

Lucy
PICTURES JUST PICTURES

VP said...

Mmmm - perhaps I should change browsers, or get me a Mac...

Yolanda Elizabet Heuzen said...

Congratulations on your very unimpressive phallic whatsit. It's a start, it will grow (we live in hope). Otherwise you could perhaps go for an extension. Doctors can perform miracles these days or so I'm told. ;-)

LilaDasGupta said...

Just tell yourself you'll be eating asparagus by the time the Olympics come around. When you compare it to wintersweet (10 years plus to flower), not a bad investment. There's a bloke on our allotment who has to pick spears every day, he has so much of the stuff. I'm still twiddling my thumbs (1 more year to go)
If you need to replace plants, I went to a show where the Garlic Farm was selling crowns. They were huge, fabulous things and only a quid each. http://www.thegarlicfarm.co.uk/Asparagus-Crowns-x-10-7CE9C469F6.aspx