RAIN ME A RIVER

Alarming reports are just coming into the Baklava news desk that the designers of the Porsche garden actually paid to arrange this week's horrendous weather, so that the technical side of the hard landscaping that makes up much of their controversial display plot would be tested to the full. 

Hampton Court visitors were in general disgusted by the revelations of such unabashed and cynical calculation on the part of the Germans. "It's like Jurgen Klinsmann and his diving all over again," said one disgruntled RHS member. 

An insider commented:  "Porsche were pretty pleased with the performance of their hard surfaces as the whole point of their garden was to test new ways of providing parking places that can still absorb heavy run-off. Plus, everyone knows the rain is sexy." Apparently one of the main inspirations of the design was Justin Timberlake's famously erotic 2003 video.

The Coalition says: Ooh, Justin in the garden in the rain. I need a cold shower. Oh, conveniently here comes one now. 

HCPFS: ANY GOOD GOSSIP?

• Peter Seabrook is officially a skip diver. He told an anonymous informant that he'd had "thirteen canes" out of a HCPFS skip earlier in the week and they "already had beans growing up them."
• Press Day was hit by a typhoon and many exhibitors were left in three inches of water. The culprit was apparently Royal Palaces, who won't let the RHS use the solid marquees from Chelsea cos they don't look nice enough.
• Cleve West dished the dirt on his problem allotmenteers: they sound like they are from hell. In a bad way. 
• A certain well-shedded lady is soon to have a blog of her own once more. We rejoice in this news.
• Helen Yemm seen arriving for the Gala looking extremely lovely, in the company of a handsome gentleman...
• James A-S has got a Highgrove umbrella. How tippety-top class is that man?
• Paolo Arrigo of Seeds of Italy proved himself to be a chip off the old block, charming all the ladies in the Growing Tastes Marquee by getting them to "smell" his "soap". Just go and ask. 
• Rob Brydon took his baby in a push chair, and was reported to be "smaller" than Guerilla Gardener Richard Reynolds "would have thought". He also didn't want to buy a lavender bag. 
• The fairy tale image that heads this post is the Forest Squared, in Conceptual gardens. 
• I am listening to Snoop Dogg 10 Lil Crips, it's the only way to recover.