Monday, 24 November 2008

COWPLOUGHIN'

















I have just experienced a profound insight into the human condition. I have realised that I am actually way too lazy to dig my entire allotment. 

You may say "that's not the spirit that built the Empire, where would be today if total layabouts like you were in charge, instead of hearty dig -for-Britain types like Joseph Swift Gor Bless 'im?". 

But that is incorrect. For it was of course specifically laziness that drove Bronze Age Person to invent the plough. That way, they'd have more time for chilling out watching shadows on the cave wall / telling stories about the good old hunter-gatherer days before they settled down to cave-dwelling life and became all middle-aged and boring. So in fact laziness is actually a virtue in terms of improving life for us all. If you just look at it my way. 

Anyway I've been looking on the internet to see what is the smallest possible creatures I could plough with. Obviously Clydesdales are out on the old allotment, but what about these Dexters, whose photo I just nicked from the Dexter Soc website? (Don't tell my auntie she is like the treasurer or something.) 

Or maybe teeeny weeny ponies

14 comments:

Alex said...

If you don't dig your entire plot at our allotments, you get a nasty letter which makes gentlehearted gentlefolk weep in their sheds.

HappyMouffetard said...

Dexters are great. Second only to Belted Galloways in the 'pretty cow' awards.

Lucy said...

But why are the prongs of the plough sticking up?

Does the boy have to turn the Dexters upside down and pull them along with their feet in the air?

In which case, wouldn't it be easier to leave them the right way up and drag their hooves through the soil? Or would they insist they must walk?

Lucy

aspidistra said...

The horrible truth is that Digging is Dull. Its fun for the first two spadefuls and then it gets boring. I used to use hired labour on my lottie, moving seemlessly from bronze age ideas of ploughing to a medieval feudal system.

Another possibility is instead of bringing in little ponies, which the The Men from the Council are sure to object to, Mohammed could go to the mountain and you could start making a new allotment in, say, the middle of the New Forest, where there are unemployed ponies galore. The government may even fund this in an equine back-to-work scheme.

JamesA-S said...

The solution is straightforward. Labradors.
There are parts of London that teem with black labradors wandering around under exercised and stuffing themselves with sugary snacks. (Do not try any agricultural activity using cats: they are completely without useful function)

emmat said...

although they have twice as many brain cells as dogs, according to Wikipedia (which i suspect of being written, like almost everything on the internet, by cat fanatics so perhaps rather biased)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_by_number_of_neurons

HappyMouffetard said...

Twice as many brain cells as dogs would suggest two in total. Which makes sense. Much as I like cats, they are very thick. Or at least mine are.

Could I suggest some sort of system for using slugs for pulling the plough? You could give them the incentive either by the carrot or stick method - carrot: hold a nice juicy lettuce leaf just in front; stick: chase them with a salt cellar. I have plenty of slugs I could give you on permanent loan...

Alternatively, I could lend you SomeBeans, who is bereft now he has finished digging our allotment. He just needs the occasional cake to keep him happy.

VP said...

YES!!!! WV says stabled!

It must be a sign that you've solved your problem Emma.

easygardener said...

For a small allotment I would think a pair of Guinea pigs harnessed to a small plough - with a carrot hanging out front.
Unlike cats they would not object to pointless activity in the service of humanity.

emmat said...

yes, I have taken up award-winning writer James Alexander-Sinclair's suggestion about nice doggies only my breed of choice is Afghan Hounds.

emmat said...

PS alex how do they know if you have dug it if it is under black plastic??

Award Winning James A-S said...

Afghan hounds would get their silky coats all claggy and you would have to give them long assisted Badedas baths. This in turn would give them ideas above their stations and make them reluctant to do any ploughing.
If Labradors do not turn you on then how about Rottweilers? Stolid, beefy and snarly towards any allotment inspectors seeking to peek beneath your coverings.

Weeping Sore said...

Consider skipping the cute ponies and just using children, particularly the type in the picture. This dandy is a true layabout, playing with ponies when he could be out plowing your allotment.
So much for your profound insights.

emmat said...

Childre, now there's an idea...