Saturday, 30 August 2008

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESS CONFERENCE, SATURDAY 30TH AUGUST














DCI Barnaby: Well, thank you all for coming. We know that you are all keen to get a bit more information on the Don Hall case, and we hope that you also may be able to be of help in getting a message out to the general public. 

Firstly, there have been a lot of media reports about the knicker elastic found in a flowerbed during our fingertip search. We'd just like to say at this stage that a sock voluntarily came down to the station yesterday to give a statement, and as a result we've been able to completely clear her from the enquiry. So this does seem to have been a bit of a red herring

Secondly, there has been a lot of comment about the blood at the murder scene. Yes, we did find some blood at the murder scene, although as early reports suggested, Brother Buckland was strangled. In fact it now seems likely that there was an element of sado-masochistic torture before the victim died and that we are looking for a really cold-blooded killer. 

Thirdly, we have one particular detail of the case where we think the public can help. As some of you may know several days before the murder the Vicar received an anonymous letter quoting Habbakuk, and when it came to an examination of Brother Buckland's body it seems that he was wearing underpants, which, not to put too fine a point on it, were not his own. Further research by the forensic lab suggests that these pants were used to strangle him before he was redressed. [gasps of shock] Some research by our own Sergeant Mouffetard tracked down the makers on the internet and I attach an image of them here

As you can all see there is obviously some sort of connection between the two clues, but we have yet to work it out. But if anybody knows who the real owner of those underpants are, I think we'd be a lot closer to solving this terrible tragic crime. Any questions before we have to go? Yes, one from the rather dark bruised-looking fingernail at the back.

Bruised Fingernail: Inspector Barnaby, this knicker elastic lead was so patently a red herring that I can't help feeling it may have been a fit-up. Have you got any comment?

DCI Barnaby: Yes well Mr Nail, we are looking at that possibility. I assure you that perversion of the course of justice is a crime we take very seriously indeed, and if someone is responsible we will do our utmost to bring them to book. Another question? Yes, the gentleman in the South American sun hat with the tassels.

Man in Hat: Inspector Barnaby, I can't help noticing your wife is considerably better at finding her way into criminal lairs than you are. Have you ever considered stepping aside and letting her take over?

DCI Barnaby: (Chuckles) Yes I have. But then who would make dinner? Next question. 

Anonymous: I feel strongly that all the attention in this case is going on Brother Buckland, but what about Tibbles? Just because a living being is of a different genus, it doesn't mean their death shouldn't be treated just as seriously! I think you are sweeping Tibbles under the carpet! 

DCI Barnaby: Oh dear that seems to be all we've got time for. We'll convene again on Wednesday. 







7 comments:

Anonymous said...

DCI Barnaby
Better watch your back, mate.
Know wharra mean?
Tibbles had a family as well you know.
And we don't mess about when it comes to our own

Arabella Sock said...

This is all very well but what am I supposed to do with the 1,000 "The Sock is Innocent" T shirts I've had printed?

HappyMouffetard said...

Arabella, just go and work at this place, and cross out one of the 'n's with a black felt tip pen.

Kind regards,
Sergeant Mouffetard :)

(ps Joe Swift is on Radio 4 at the moment - he says he used to be in a band. The mind boggles.)

Arabella Sock said...

Joe also said people enjoyed learning from his mistakes on the allotment...
ha ha ha! ha hahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Fat Rascal said...

I'm astonished at the power of a wig! I hadn't even prepared my briefs and the sock's name is cleared!

Anyone else care to engage me?

emmat said...

I may need you for my imminent libel case against a a certain Chemical Warrior - do you ever do that kind of thing?

Yolanda Elizabet said...

I have a theory! I've been sleuthing around a bit, as you do, and I think it was brother Buckland who did away with Tibbles. Yes indeed, he was so worried that Tibbles would become more popular than him (not an unreasonable assumption) so he drowned the poor kittycat. Apparently brother Buckland was not as ethical as we were all lead to believe.

As to all that blood; Tibbles was of mixed descent and on his father's side he descended from a long and pure bloodline of Russian Blues. I have it on good authority that General Murdermiaowsky (former KGB)came to Midsummer Berryfield to revenge his cousin twice removed. You know how those (former) KGB chappies are, don't you? They think nothing of a spot of poisoning in broad daylight let alone a bit of torture with some strangulation thrown in just for the heck of it.

Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it no matter what that dunce of a husband thinks.

Mrs Barnaby