Monday, 9 June 2008


With only five days still to go in voting, our candidate, Joe Swift, seems to have fallen an unconscionable distance behind. Can he still catch up? Will he become truly "Swift" of foot for the very last lap?

It would seem as if Matthew Wilson, has, in the parlance of our times, "Nailed It". 

Unfortunately, he has benefitted from the support of all those global warming loonies who support "climate change planting", and other horticultural oddities beloved of conspiracy theorists like "rainwater harvesting" and "compost heaps". 

We have one chance to save ourselves from a lifetime of having our napalm confiscated in favour of seaweed and comfrey. 

There's just one hope: a surprising loophole has been found in the voting regulations dating back the Declaration of Independence in 1776, allowing a team of gardeners to be proposed for electoral office should a sufficient mandate be found. 

Adding together the three "balaclava" votes, for Monkey, Plotting and Sock, I believe that there is still the potential to defeat this man Wilson and his odd ideas

As Joe's campaign manager, I find myself with the difficult and yet essential task of urging you to turn aside from Joe now in the interests of horticulture, and vote Balaclava Coalition. If you don't want that shelf of toxic 1970s herbicides in your shed cleared forever, vote Balaclava now. 


Skein Skeptic said...

I'd want to know a bit more about what's going on under the balaclavas before I decide. How do we even know whether they are real people?

emmat said...

Hmm. that may prove difficult. let me look into it.

The Garden Monkey said...

Sorry, but I'm pleging my votes to Matthew Wilson. In which case he wins by miles.

I shall expect some kind of vice-presidential role tho'

Alex said...


Imagine the number of viewers you'd get (for the first episode at least).


VP said...

R Pete Free can vouch for my authenticity.

I spent an entire afternoon yesterday in the company of a friend lusting after MW, who has just phoned me to ask where your poll is. I expect her 79 year old mum (who pointed out to said friend how fit MW is, not lardy at all) to follow her to this location shortly

VP said...

BTW Esther in the Garden has already bought the wool for my TV balaclava. It will have a very fetching VP in contrasting wool on it, to distinguish me from my fellow presenters

VP said...

I do think she's tempting fate a little though.

As GW's bagged Vice President, can I have Foreign Secretary please? Then I'll get all the nice away trips instead of Wesley Kerr.

emmat said...

I suspect that ultimately, positions in the Wilson cabinet will be assigned by the new leader, rather than by bagsying.

But if they are done by bagsying, I bagsy Shadow Home and Garden Secretary.

emmat said...

Interestingly, most of the last votes to come in have been for Alys Fowler. Maybe her granny is onto it.

Arabella Sock said...

Have knitted stylish Balaclava just for the role.

Bagsy be Vice-P. The Sock said nothing about that nice Mr. Matthew Wilson being lardy at all.. honestly.

emmat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emmat said...

Alex, I've had a great idea -
"Wilson, Leave our Sheds Alone!"
We do a co-campaign, also flyers, street-stickering, free flags for people to fly on their allotments.

Secondary campaign on following slogans, going for old-fashioned tactics such as ever-so-slightly impuning Wilson's masculinity:
"A Man's Shed is His Castle"
"Hands Off Our Chemicals"
"My Right to Pellet"
"The Top Shelf is for Men Only"
"If You Can't Stand the Chemicals, Get Out of the Shed,"

emmat said...

yeah i've just spelt impugn rong.

Arabella Sock said...

Didn't realise the Vice-P had been bagged. Can the Sock be in charge of hospitality instead?

matthew wilson said...

In the new world order there will be cabinet posts for all. Each day we will convene in a new shed to discuss tactics and techniques. This will be followed by a little knitting (balaclavas, socks etc) before we move on to the more serious matter in hand of gardening.

Luncheon will be taken with an elegant sufficiency of veg from the plot, including an ample supply of nice green leaves.

Further gardening will ensue before we all head back to Batty Langley House for high tea and a well earned rest. After which we shall gather round the TV to watch Chris Beardshaw and Alys Fowler presenting Gardeners World.... Hang on!

BTW, just done the Austen thing. Dispiritingly I am Emma and not Darcy after all (not that Emma).

Fat Rascal said...

I hope I will be invited for high tea, Mr Wilson, but no nibbling allowed.

Sadly I shall not be sporting a balaclava, woolly currants are not a good look!

Alex said...

Maybe I'm reading between the lines here, but Matthew's post sounds to my ears like he's promising me a regular weekly slot to talk about shedworking on GW. On this basis, I'm changing votes again and demanding the Balaclava Coalition concede defeat now and I'll be the Vicar of Bray, sir.

emmat said...

FINALLY some sort of decision. I'm going to make everyone a victory wreath of Verbena bonariensis to celebrate; I'll leave out the bees.

VP said...

The Balaclava Coalition will ensure that sheds have the proper recognition they deserve in the new world order.

How about a teensy weensy change to the programme's title for starters?

Arabella Sock said...

Pssst... how long do I have to keep wearing the balaclava? It's getting quite hot in here..

Alex said...

VP, it's a tantalising offer. I could be persuaded. What else is on the table?

And what kind of namechange did you have in mind? World of Shedworking? That's got a fine ring to it.

The Garden Monkey said...

Oi!!! Hang on!

The Balaclava Coalition does not exist! Wishful thinking on Emma's part - because she backed a loser.

Votes for me are votes for the Matthew Wilson Tendency.

Come the Goorious Day - as well as Vice-President, I am hoping for a Beria-type role, in sending dissenters to the salt-mines.

emmat said...

hmmm.. So basically MW gets to look all nice and friendly, and then its his deputy who does all the mean stuff.

Just like the deputy head mistress at my school, huh?

Alex said...

The Balaclava Coalition doesn't exist? Are you trying to airbrush it out of history like Stalin? And James's snails? We've seen the pictures, we know the score. Next thing you know you'll be telling us that there isn't a small group of owl-worshipping world leaders deciding the future of our planet in their annual meetings in a small room in Geneva.

But I'm still voting for Matthew because he has categorically said I can have a two minute slot each week to talk about garden offices come the new post Monty dawn.