Friday, 25 July 2008

LEGAL DECLARATION RE FIRSCHT CASE















In the light of today's news about the dubious legality of telling lies about people on the internet, I'd just like to say with respect to Matthew Wilson that I take it all back about the organic swimming pool, the Playboy mansion, the DNA testing and the health farm visits. I did in fact make all that stuff up. 

I'd also like to state for the record that I really like Peter Seabrook and I admire his challenging and spunky attitude. 

However, having said all this, I can reveal that, despite his reputation for being Britain's hunkiest gardener, it is absolute gospel fact that Matthew Wilson's most played tune on his I-Pod at the moment is soppy girl's blouse tunester Michael Bublé, "Home", and that Mateus recently attended the live concert by Bublé at the O2. 

Wilson was overheard in the foyer saying "I'm just here for a friend, really," before later being seen getting a programme signed by Bublé inscribed "to Cleo."

The Coalition says: Hmm, Wilson, that's no excuse. 

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely sickening.

emmat said...

Which bit? my libellous fibbing? or Matthew Wilson's ownership of a "criminal record"? That is honest to God true.

Anonymous said...

That's another anon by the way, not me.
I'm the nice anon.
I only popped in to say something on the JA thread and just thought I would compliment you on your desire to live dangerously re litigation!

Alex said...

Anybody who gives me, nay GUARANTEES me, a regular five minute slot on his new show can say what he likes and listen to what he likes. I myself am very partial to a large slice of Big Country.

The Black Finger Nail said...

I was going to post revelations about the time Matthew generously spent chatting and taking tea with five genteel ladies from the Knaresborough WI, but sadly the risks of ending up at the High Court have become too great and I will have to desist.

And in any case it would be pure fabrication, as the 5th lady couldn't make it.

The Garden Monkey said...

This is information only a stalker would know.

I bet you've been going through his bins too.

Come on Emma - I mentioned this unrequited love thing a couple of days back - you've got to accept you have a problem before you can begin to deal with it.

It's clear to everyone else that you are in love with him. Now just admit it to yourself.

You'll feel so much better.

aspidistra said...

Yep, Garden Monkey is right and the i-pod bit is just teetering on the brink of stalksville. Either that or you are now an item in his life (I mean, you know, not like the way a pair of socks is an item). It that were the case, I would,sadly, have to assassinate you.
Very handsome pic of him, although the bottle of voddy in his hand rather gives his game away. Perhaps driven to it by stalkers.

emmat said...

If you guys really want to believe that Matthew wilson got a programme signed at a Michael Bublé for his cat...
okay, but sigh.

emmat said...

Ps GM - of course I admit I love him, but just in a nice normal way, like anyone else who feels strongly about MW I only have a small room in my house papered with pictures of him, I don't really see what the problem is

Anonymous said...

Yoo goes neer Maffew and I skratch eyes out. Yoo got that?
Cleo xx


PS Anyone know the rules of litigation regarding imitating a cat on the internet?

Anonymous said...

Cleo, behave!
it's not the same sort of love I think, but to be honest you are better asking Emma directly what it is she wants from M.

James A-S said...

Emma, Emma, Emma. You should be ashamed of yourself trolling such lies across the internet. Michael Buble?
Honestly how could you?
Everybody knows (there was even a feature in Amateur Gardening on the subject about three weeks ago) that Matthew Wilson is never without a iPod jam packed with Swedish 'Dansbandsmusik' especially from the Svenstoppen and Bingolotto eras (and Nolan Sisters Covers for when he has some down time).
It is also a well known fact that he yearns for an invitation to be on Strictly Come Dancing. He has already had soft soled weasel skin pumps and a transparent shirt made - they are stored in a locked vault in the RHS Headquarters at Vincent Square.
His hero is Anton de Bek of whom there is a large laminated poster in the potting shed at Harlow Carr. In 2004 a student horticulturalist was famously stripped of his dibber and dismissed for drawing fake breasts on the poster using an official RHS felt tip: spookily that student's name was: James Blunt.
Without Matthew's firm non-sexist disciplinary policy we may never have heard 'You're Beautiful' or 'Goodbye My Lover'. The inspiration for these songs, while unconfirmed, is pretty obvious to most musicologists.

Alex said...

Yes, but does he like Big Country?

The Garden Monkey said...

Having read your piece on James the Hat in today's paper it seems clear that it is he who you have a pash for and the scorning Matthew Wilson, while secretly adoring him routine, is just an elaborate double bluff, to distract attention.

Though what for I tremble to think.

Clever.

emmat said...

to distract attention from my terrible overwhelming bone-gnawing love for Michael Bublé?

Arabella Sock said...

Emma! Are you telling us the bit about the swimming pool party isn't true and we won't all be invited over?

Gutted! - I'd had my bikini line waxed and everything!

Anonymous said...

Where exactly is the bikini line on a sock?
just wondering...
But I think we should be told!

Arabella Sock said...

Well I am not sure you would want to know - but I'll tell you it hurts like hell when they rip all the cashmere out!

emmat said...

Sometimes I wonder whether Arabella Sock is really actually a sock at all.

Anonymous said...

And I can't believe she has led us into pubic hair jokes.
Very bad sock!
Pop into the washer now, there's a good girl.
When you think what MW would think of us if he read this, oh dearie me

Alex said...

I saw Matthew Wilson on the tube this evening (on my way back from Marsh Wall...) and you'll never guess what he was whistling? In A Big Country by Big Country.

The Garden Monkey said...

How could you tell?

Every Big Country track sounds exaclty the same as the others.

Alex said...

That's the genius of them.

A few years ago Viz said there was no need to buy their new albums as they came out. All you had to do was put on the theme tune to Z Cars and put it on repeat.

emmat said...

Weird, because someone else I know claimed to have seen Matthew Wilson at exactly the same time, driving along Marsh Wall in a porsche that looked suspiciously like the one that emerged from the ground in the Hampton Court show garden. Maybe there are two Matthew Wilsons, one dark, evil and gas-guzzling, one gentle and caring towards cats?

Even weirder, maybe there is just one Gertrude Jekyll and Mr Hyde Hall Matthew Wilson who goes around by day being kind to bees and ladies on gardening days out, but at night goes through some face-changing grimaces before working on his manuscript of "Driving in a Changing Climate" (selected snippet: "When the weather gets hot, there's just one solution: fold the top down, baby, and keep your speed high,")

?

The Black Finger Nail said...

Sorry to Ems, but I am thick & stirred reading about putting the Skids under the Mancunian Stuart Adamson (frontman of the legendary Big Country and pretend Scotsman)....if he were still here it would drive him to drink!

I'd have you all know he was a top horti-bod in his time and currently favours Bellis perennis "Pushing Up".

If you had as I did, the pleasure of listening to 93 minutes of "Porrohman" live (possibly incorporating several other of their songs) then you haven't livered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX_AgUxbqNU

The Duracell bunny of the Scot-Folk world!

emmat said...

Black Finger Nail, your video has just reminded me that I have known at least one, if not two, of the non-Scottish members of Big Country, since I was about four years old. Ah, those boys.